• Tell stories of horrifying plane crashes. This works especially well when done to nervous and/or novice flyers.
• Walk around. When you see someone about to sit down, jump into the seat before they can.
• Take a copy of Airframe, hold it up as you are reading it so everyone can see the title, and keep saying "Yeah - that really could happen!"
• Smuggle a snake on board
• This takes some preparation. Before going to the airport place a plastic bag of catsup in the front pocket of your large suitcase. When the gate agent tells you that you will have to check it say "OK - I just need to get one thing out". Open the front pocket and put in your whole arm. Open or puncture the bag of catsup and get it all over your hand & arm while shrieking "No! Bad Fluffy! No! Arghh! Fluffy!!!" and wrestling your luggage. Pull bloody arm out of suitcase and calmly say "OK - it's ready to be checked."
• Look out the window towards the plan just as they announce initial boarding and say "I wonder why that guy took out half the bolts around the engine?" Pause. Look at another plane and say "Oh - I see - They need them for that plane.
• Sing loudly and out-of-key to whatever is playing on your headphones.
• Take the small pocket knife that you accidentally forgot to check back to the metal detector person and say "You know what, I forgot about this - can I have my luggage back so I can put the knife in it?"
• Pretend to be blind. Walk into as many people as you can.
• Once seated on the plane, when they announce the destination, jump and say "(name of city)!?! I wouldn't go to that cesspool on a dare!!" Walk off plane.

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This is humor, folks. Humor. Not to be taken seriously. Get a grip.

One of the cool things about Kansai is that their air conditioning system is designed to blow air around the terminal in a big circle, starting from huge ducts in the floor and running across the airfoil roof, then back across the floor. Another cool thing about Kansai is that the ticketing area, on the fourth floor of the terminal, overlooks the departures concourse on the second floor, and there's nothing between the two save a tall glass wall and a thirty-foot drop.

Well, needless to say, the plane hit a fscking updraft, went clear over the wall, and landed in the departures concourse, past Customs, past security, past everything. An innocuous mishap, but I suppose it's illegal in some way.

"Act natural!" I said, "maybe they won't notice it!" Of course, they did notice it, and we soon saw security guards closing in on our position. "OK, shit, run!"

We started to make our way to the exit, but we met a guard on the footbridge who was intently listening to a walkie-talkie. "Uhhhh, hold on a minute..." he began in Japanese, holding out his hand in the international symbol for HALT. We walked right past him and crossed the street to the hotel.

Fortunately, the police never came for us, but I'm sure that if it were Ko Samui or Dubai we would have been publicly castrated. Even the women.