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I'm the most off-beat genius you ever knew; I'm so iconoclastic I'm clastic
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15
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Mon Jul 23 2001 at 19:49:33
Fuck?
When I talk to co-workers it's like
galaxies colliding
: one
meteorite
of
banality
uniformly scatters the well-ordered thoughts. It's easy, keeping all those
particles
in
orbit
, when no one else is around -
I just throw one up in the air and it takes a unique elliptical path.
I'm a free thinker: just you
try
and keep my shoes on. I don't need a
computer
to
think different
. Try me, baby. Here are some things I did before I turned 15:
designed my own
airplane
, complete with
fat guys
beat a robot at
chess
convinced my
older sister
to eat a bug
took a
nap
on someone's back without them noticing
taught a
monkey
to
fetch my porn
from the mailbox
successfully designed a sentence mnemonic to help me remember all 15,239 species of
insect
published two papers in scholarly journals - one on the sociological mechanics behind
faggot in the middle
, a children's playground game, published in
The Bluish Journal of the American Cancer Society's Ombudsman
; the other explored the possibility of an irregular,
Whopper Junior
-shaped planetary orbit and was published in
Bitches Who Love Cunt Quarterly
, supplementary "digest" edition
computed the first 5 or 6 digits of
pi
wrote several jokes that were considered for publication in
Reader's Digest
and
Tiger Beat
, albeit briefly
received
several letters of congratulations
from important figures around the world
seduced
Justine Bateman
became the world record-holder in
parallel trouser-hemming
after hemming
six pairs of trousers at once
as a freshman, led my high school band in successfully defeating the football team in a controversial
soggy biscuit
tournament, the results of which are disputed to this day
pieced together my family's
genealogy
, beginning with
Dan the Imbecile Farmer
and
Katina Maistrapokolupusopoulous
in 15th century Greece
beaned
Jackie Robinson
with a wild pitch during the 1947 world series (from the stands)
placed 2nd in my junior high school
science
fair for my historically accurate
diorama
of
the Challenger explosion
, even though it wasn't a science project
per se
(I was edged out of 1st by a kid who somehow generated electricity with a backscratcher shaped like a nude woman)
impersonated the
CEO
of the company and got my dad's boss fired
got dressed up for a
night on the town
quit smoking
plied former U.S. Secretary of the Treasury
Mary Ellen Ballhopper
with
champagne cocktails
until she agreed to fellate me for $200, in $5 bills
without
her signature on them (she insisted)
beat a
black guy
at basketball
printable version
chaos
You are taking yourself too seriously
Iconoclastic
The Adventures of Barry Ween, Boy Genius
Soggy Biscuit
Can my nodes be used against me in a court of law?
Clastic
On reading letters that bitch about scantily-clad models on magazine covers
Butterfinger McFlurry
The Iconoclast Controversy
Cock McNuggets
Standing in a parking lot at nine-thirty on a Saturday night, alone, wearing your best underwear
I see it on the TV and I laugh out loud, but it's the way I feel right now.
I'm trippin' my nut sack into a frenzy of dik play
Inflatable Big Black Guy
I will REMOVE the fucking toilet seat if you don't shut up
Making jokes about The Pope
Throw your hands (up) in the air, (and) wave them all around like you (just) don't care
Patrick Bateman
Tiger Beat
Banality
fat guys
I just happen to like apples and I am not afraid of snakes
Katina Choovanski
wanker
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