"When you have the passion to create beer like we do at Samuel Adams, you strive to create something perfect, the ideal beer, better yet, the utopia of beer." - Jim Koch, founder of The Boston Beer Company
Today, we at the editorial department received a package.
The box? Unremarkable. In fact, it was labeled "Fellowes Step File Organizer." Oh dandy, we said, another press kit sample that no one would want, that would end up unused and unloved on the ironically-named Fun Shelf.
Boy howdy, were we wrong!
It turns out that there's a certain Mr. Adams who loves us, and he goes by the first name of Sam, or would, if he wasn't deader than Santa. But don't you cry; his legacy lives on in spiritous brews of yeast and hops! And did I mention how much he loves us? Yes, us, Team Editorial!
The box: nondescript, like I said, and not terribly heavy. My managing editor Danny had it perched on his lap and was trying to pry it open with his nubby man-fingernails when I noticed that he had a call and I had, in my pants pocket, a really sharp knife.
"Gimme the box," I said.
"Is it beer?" he asked. We were expecting!
I made a long, slow pass through the tape and lifted the cardboard flaps, expecting to see our new Step File Organizer. Instead, I was greeted by layers and layers of bubble wrap.
"Bubble wrap! Awesome!" Mitch shrieked.
"Is it beer?!" Danny asked again.
I waved them silent and my knife went slice, slice, shaving off pieces of plastic and tape, bringing us closer to the mystery payload with each go. That's when I noticed the folder and yanked it out of the box, upside down, letting the contents spill around my feet. Samuel, the folder read. Adams, it continued.
"It's motherfucking beer, motherfuckers," I yelled and Danny hollered and groaned.
"What kind?" Fanelli asked.
I shrugged and tore frantically at the bubble wrap, revealing a bottle like none I'd ever seen, shiny and copper colored. It was shaped like a miniature brew kettle with a little play window we could draw aside to reveal the likeness of, who else, our man Sam. These are the press kits we live for. Fanelli leaned over the desk to read the fallen papers.
"One hundred dollars a bottle?" he muttered.
"I read about this in Newsday last week! Do you know what this is? This is the strongest beer in the world!" I answered.
Mitch didn't care, Danny was suddenly too busy and Fanelli launched into a series of questions meant to determine whether or not I was a serious beer lover. My suggestions that we all share the bottle at the end of the day went unheeded, and so there it sits, bathing us in its warm copper glow. Untasted. Sheesh.
SAMUEL ADAMS UTOPIAS
THE STRONGEST BEER IN THE WORLD
Introducing, for your limited-edition pleasure, brewmaster Jim Koch's unique "extreme" amber brew, Utopias. At a meaty 25% alcohol by volume, this is no lightweight, sissy beer. Those of you out there who think it's keen, the way the bubbles in beer tickle your nose can just stand back, because Utopias is uncarbonated as the result of complex brewing methods, the likes of which the world has not seen until now.
It's described as a rich and smooth after dinner drink, similar to fine sherry or cognac, and in fact, Utopia was aged in bourbon, scotch, cognac, and port barrels. The result of this distinctive process is a flavorful grape taste and malty essence that is both deep and rich. Koch recommends that it be served at room temperature in two-ounce servings, in manly little glasses in your father-in-law's drawing room while the ladies are off making fruity coffee talk in the parlor.
The lovingly-aged aqua vitae contains an impressive list of ingredients, including all four types of Noble hops and a just a tiny hint of maple syrup. Just in case you're an anal boozer, here's the complete rundown used by the brewers at The Boston Beer Company: 2-Row Harrington, Caramel, Vienna, 2-Row Moravian and Bavarian smoked malts, and Hallertau Mittelfrueh, Tettnang Tettnanger, Spalt Spalter and Czech Saaz Noble hops.
Though Utopia is both delicious and deleterious, let the buyer beware. At $100 per bottle and only 8,500 bottles brewed, you might not want to overdo it. I warn you, this is not a Monday night football cheerleaders corn chips beer. This could be James Bond's kicking back cocktail. It's blue jeans with a jacket and tie when you've got your best shoes shined. It's semi-casual-formal. It's expensive.
Now a 50 proof brew does not just age itself, so one wonders why the hell it exists. Well, if you knew anything about beer, you'd know that our man Koch, founder of The Boston Beer Company, has been experimenting with extreme brewing for over ten years, just so you could maybe get drunk a little bit faster and everyone gets happy. Since his humble beginnings with beers like Jumping out of an airplane with a surfboard, Getting a vasectomy without anesthetic and Mountain Dew, Koch has gone on to brew three beers that held the record of strongest before Utopias. These were Samuel Adams Triple Bock at 17.5%, Samuel Adams Millennium at 21% and Samuel Adams Utopias MMII at 24%. The runner up in this contest is World Wide Stout a 23-percenter, produced by Dogfish Head Craft Brewery in Delaware, who are probably too busy trying to find a shorter name for their company to add a few more measly percent. Sheesh!
You got a hundred bucks to spend on beer? Great, visit www.samadams.com and find out where to buy this rich beer that's light on the palette and features a smooth lingering finish. Then invite me over because apparently, three-quarters of Team Editorial are a bunch of pansy-ass Bud-lovers.
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