'honey,' she says, 'it's the difficult parts that give you character. you walk in rain that's not pure, you grit your teeth, but you hold on. sometimes people see the ugly sides of you.. it's not all glamorous.'

..which is funny, cause i'd planned to live my life like weetzie bat, not charles bukowski. i wanted mtv spring break dance party decadence romantic absurd moments smooth synthetic surfaces glitter bare skin moonlight oceans dumb beautiful men.

i didn't hear about hard luck, heartbreak. i thought poverty would be romantic. i thought having a sugar daddy would be painless, empowering. no one told me, until tonight.

how can i go home to a dorm full of girls who will marry for money and list their degrees as just another empty acheivement? who there will know what i know now? i won't see the same me in the mirror. young and fresh faced even now takes effort, foundation, mascara, gloss, necessarily invisible.

someday life will take its toll and my features will sink into a sea of wrinkles and i'll have to be more than subtle not to get lost. i won't age gracefully. will i chain smoke in a dark lounge, sipping scotch, with lipstick on my cigarette?

'honey,' she says, 'nothing is forever. don't be too quick to be haughty. it's not fair, it's just life. it's no fairy tale. don't be afraid - i was just like you.'

this is for you, lo! thanks to.. someone.. for the nodeshell.

lipstick on my cigarette
ashes in my bed
you burned up all the candles,
do you remember what you said?

Windows all left open
loose change on the floor
I never thought I would be laughing
when you walked out our front door

Who is left to drink my coffee?
Now that I set table for one
who will my steal my covers nightly
and tell me: its for fun ?

You stained half my dress shirts
my car wrecked several times
I will tell myself I was miserable
in that time that you were mine