There's rootabaga runnin' around the yard. All over the rocks and the roots and the trees and everywhere.

What a durn fool sight to have rootabaga runnin around your yard, my daddy always told me. My daddy always told me, if you get rootabaga in your yard, shoot em. Just shoot em. Well, I donno, they seem alright to me. When I got one in my yard I didn't mind so much. And when I got two in my yard they started a-diggin in my garden and I thought well, isn't that nice, they're diggin my garden for me. Turning the soil and all that. And when they planted themselves I thought well, isn't that nice, they're planting soemthing in the garden so I don't have to do it. And then when there were suddenly a bunch of rootabaga in the garden, I thought, I wonder what they's up to. And when they started runnin around all over the yard, diggin more holes and pilin up rocks for caves and nailing planks to the tops of branches and some such, I thought, well, I hope the neighbors won't complain. And when I started getting even more rootabaga and they began to extend their planks over the big fence --

Every saturday I go to the big fence what I can't see over, carrying a basket. Because I know that at precisely ten o'clock the rootabaga will start getting tossed over the fence, and I like to make a game of catching them, me and my boy. My boy sometimes catches a lot. And sometimes he catches the cuss words that the neighbor tosses over. But heck, he knows them all anyway, to my shame -- must be that school of his that teaches him words like "darn" and "Hornswoggled". But the real trouble is, these rootabaga, they have cuss words too. They invent new cuss words! You thought you knew them all from Jumboy Jerry down the dirt lane, but these ones are fresh as vegetables. I decline to repeat any of them on this radio program, but all you have to do is come to my yard to hear them.

I'm worried about my boy. I'm worried that when he and the other kids play in the yard, they pick up on all this language from the rootabaga. I'm worried that they might learn to talk rootabaga. And then I won't be able to understand what they's up to. How can a decent parent know what they chillun is up to when they talk a different language? What if they plot to egg someone's house or steal someone's hat? What if they's badmouthin' me? I tell ya they oughta talk english. I tell ya I oughta get rid of these rootabaga.

However and on the other hand -- I bet if I take these rootabaga and line them up and straighten them out, I can get them to talk english, and teach them math and spelling and such, and then they can teach the chillun math and english and such. Just imagine, they teach the chillun the three Rs and we don't have to pay for school buses or teachers or nothin. Now folks, remember that my daddy used to come on this radio program and tell you all to shoot a rootabaga on sight. He told ya, the rootabaga are a durn menace. A DAMN menace, he said, they'd get into your yard and you'd never get 'em out. Well I tell ya, just send your rootabaga over to me and I'll straighten them out and teach em to talk english.

Imagine what that would do to the economy. "Come see the famous talking rootabaga. Ten dollars per ticket." Well, we need it, don't we, ever since the Rootabaga moved in and the book store moved out. And the auto plant moved out. And the water tower moved out. And the sewer pipes moved out. I blame the Rootabaga. They moved in and the book store moved out. Said he didn't want to rootabaga in his shop, that was company policy. Auto plant said they didn't want no rootabaga in the factory floor, that was company policy. My man walked out and almost took my boy, said he had to follow the auto plant. Well, he came into town with the auto plant, so it would make sense he left with it, but I was a stayin', and I'm a stayin', and I'll deal with these Rootabaga even if nobody else wants to.

Just think about it, if we can charge ten bucks a ticket to see the Rootabaga Circus! They've got a bit of a circus going right now. Three whole rings. They've got the Rootabaga Juggle and the Rootabaga Gallop and the Rootabaga Flying Trapeze, kind of, if you can call swinging from branches "trapeze." Think of how people would thrill to see a Rootabaga in a top hat cracking his whip and waving his chair at the snarlin', pawin', clawin' Wild Rootabaga.

I used to go and watch the Rootabaga Circus but I stopped liking their concessions. You get a bucket of dirt. I never to know whether to eat it with a fork or a spoon. A spoon is impolite, see, Like eatin' peas with a spoon. Gotta eat it with a fork. I tried it with a spoon once and I looked over my shoulder and there was a Rootabaga just staring me dead in the eye. Never ate dirt with a spoon since then.

Anyway, I think if we get the circus into a real tent we can charge admission and make some real money. Or I can. And I don't even have to pay them because they's Rootabaga! The dirt is their home and the sun is their food! Uh...don't tell them I said that. Are there any Rootabaga listening to this broadcast? I love y'all. I'd never shoot a one of ya unless you try to open the box I told ya never to open. Oh I'm being handed a note. "There's a giant vine growing all over downtown." God Damn it all to Hell, I just finished banning the Kudzu to that box. Alright, time to shoot some rootabaga. I'm your host, and this is your local radio station WYMI, and you might want to cover your ears in the next few seconds.