A lot of the "personal-experience"-style nodage here tends to focus on the superficial effects of BPD, namely wild mood swings, illogical emotional responses, neediness, etc. And in case the point wasn't immediately obvious, a healthy dollop of cliche is loaded on to drive it home (roller-coaster ride, crazed Icarus, what have you). But I'm going to try to illustrate how these things happen, and why, from an intensely personal viewpoint borne by much experience. The primary culprit to most of the symptoms, in my opinion, is a complete lack of "baseline", or objective ability, which can be applied to themselves, others, or their world; I will explain below.
Mood Swings
The reason, in my experience, mood and opinion swings tend to be so vicious is that a person with BPD entirely lacks the necessary emotional "fail safe" that most people have to mitigate the effects of minor comments or setbacks. Because of this, one small negative event tends to turn into a downward cascade, one after another, of negativity; and without any means of stopping this from happening, tends to only end at the logical denouement, that being, suicidal thoughts. Last year, for example, I went out with my girfriend for a nice dinner at a pub, and I was bubbly, jovial, and in a very pleasant mood - right up until I received my pub burger, which was not well cooked, compounded with a paltry serving of undercooked pub fries.
Now, in most people, a minor setback like this could easily be shrugged off. But for me, it instantly started a cascading thought chain of negativity which entirely ruined my night, and plunged me into a depression for the next couple days (luckily my mood cycles tend to be short, often getting multiple ones in a single day). What's more, as it was happening, I could consciously tell myself, vonCube, this is illogical. There is no reason for you to feel this way. Just go back to the way you were ten minutes ago, happy, bubbly, euphoric. Yet, objective analysis of the situation tends not to matter at all, and rather gives one the impression of watching oneself fall, which in a way makes it worse.
Identity Issues
Borderline Personality Disorder is a terrible name for this, and in some ways the feminist reading of BPD, that it was originally intended as a "magnified" diagnosis of the way male professionals thought women normally acted, is not entirely false. "Baseline" Personality Disorder, in my opinion, would be a much improved moniker, as the primary cause of many of the symptoms presented by BPD are due to an utter lack of "baseline", so to speak, that the sufferer has to measure themselves, others, or their emotions against.
This is why people with BPD tend to have a volatile, oft-changing personal identity, if any at all. Without a solid base to say, "this is who I am, and build from it", one tends to move swiftfly back and forth through different personality phases, always changing because it never feels "right"; and of course, it never could, because there is no baseline idea of what "right" is in the first place. This situation is compounded by the fact that, whenever one is in a "euphoric" or "depressive" mood, being in the opposite state, and informing one's life from it, seems ridiculous. It's rather like living as two entirely separate identities, neither of whom can relate, or even see the other as a valid incarnation of oneself. As a result, it's hard to trust one's emotions about anything.
Unfortunately, the "cascading" effect of negativity does not apply to the positive side of things, at least not in the same way (I suppose the true reverse would be a positive feedback cycle that leads to orgasm). Rather, I've found the experience to be one of having a "cloud lifted" off one's mind; and just as descending into a spiral of depression is nearly random and mostly unstoppable, so too is the "positive" experience. Quite often, I'll be simply walking down the street, and suddenly, for no apparent reason, the cloud is gone, and I feel great, and the morose, lugubrious state I found myself in just minutes ago seems ridiculous and self-indulgent. That's ok, though, because soon enough the cloud will be back, and I will deem my actions during my "euphoric" phase to be reckless and embarrassing.
This is where the "feeling bored and empty" component comes in. With no way of even understanding one's likes or dislikes, since by any objective measure they change entirely every few days, it's difficult to ever feel fulfilled.
Another claim of people with BPD is that they tailor their personalities to meet the likes and dislikes of others. Well, let's be honest here, that diagnosis could probably apply to most people. But again, lacking any objective measure by which to establish a personality, since they all seem "wrong", it only makes sense to be what others seem to want. Everyone wants to be liked, after all. If you're no-one in particular, you might as well be a well-liked no-one.
Interpersonal Problems
People with BPD are notorious for having volatile, unhealthy relationships; and while the popular media image is one of a constant I hate you I love you merry-go-round of screaming matches, my experience is not as glamorous, not to mention loud, but is still informed by the basic deficiency of BPD: Lack of Baseline, only in this case, by which to measure others.
In the same way that I have trouble establishing any baselines for my own personality, I have extreme trouble establishing them for others, as well. A noder above explains it as being like "you're the best, next day you're the worst" but that's a touch simplistic. I have trouble synthesizing the past actions of others into one, coherent whole by which I can gauge their personality; I sit here, right now, trying to do it for my best friend, and all I can see are competing experiences; some good, some bad, but which don't particularly add up to anything in my mind. People with BPD, then, are essentially forced to go by their last interaction with a person to make a value judgement.
Furthermore, one's mood at the time acts as a prism through which one views the actions and perceived intent of others; I can look at the exact same chain of actions by someone, except in two or three different moods, and get an entirely different conclusion each time. For years, with my best friend, I would go through periods when I loved to be around him, thought it was great, and had loads of fun, followed by a period in which I thought he was being manipulative, trying to destroy me, and avoided his calls and presence. Sometimes these opinions shifted within the same day. And when I started dating my girlfriend, that duality of "I love you forever" and "I hate you get away from me you're going to ruin me" was even more magnified, with mood shifts so severe I sometimes threw up. Reality, especially when dealing with others, is only defined by how you feel at the moment. It's scary.
People who are in relationships, particularly romatic ones, with someone suffering from BPD can be put through hell and back; like any normal person, they would assume that the person's reaction to them would be based on their actions. I can leave for work, happy and optimistic, and come back a withdrawn, depressed, monster with a 180 degree opinion shift of you, for no reason at all. People involved with BPD sufferers often stay close, hoping that the "euphoric" me, aka. the "Real" me, will win out in the end, not realizing that both halves are equally, legitimiately "myself" when I am in them.
Paranoid Ideation
It follows, then, that in a world where nothing can be certain, anything is possible. I'm not going to get involved in a list of paranoid thoughts I've had before, because it's frankly embarrassing, and I'm not yet entirely rid of them.
How do I get by?
Well, I feel that I'm unusually fortunate to be as self-aware of my BPD as I am. Because of that, I've been able to create some strategies to deal with it effectively, without resorting to medication. Some of them are:
- Don't Cancel Plans: One of my rules is that, if I arranged an engagement in good faith during one of my "good" moods, I do not cancel even if I'm desparing. I try to trust my "good" side, and force myself to go; more often than not, I get a "positive" trigger while I'm there anyway.
- Be Nice to People: This seems rather simplistic, but in practice it's invaluable. I try to always keep in mind that, when I'm in my negative moods I can hurt the people around me, and I don't want that. Even if it feels like walking through a wall of wet concrete, give the compliment, flash a smile no matter how brief, and if I can't be kind, withdraw myself until I can be.
- Understanding Triggers: Figure out what does set me off, and how I can be brought back if I am. If I find myself spiralling downwards, try to break the cycle with a distraction, or something I like.
- Finding my Baselines: I feel like somewhere deep down, beneath the frankly superficial framework of BPD, is the real me with real likes, dislikes, loves and hates, and I've spent the last five years slowly figuring out what that is, one step at a time. Even for me to say something as superficial as, "I like hiking", or "I like cheese" is a step in the right direction; a tiny bit of stable, solid framework I can build the real, real vonCube on.
I've been extremely fortunate in life to find some people who understand me and accept me, while still challenging me to do better and improve myself. It's a slow process, and it has less to do with managing and controlling one's illness, as it does with replacing whatever hole it fills with the real thing. I hope this helps anyone who is involved with, or is themselves a person with Borderline Personality Disorder, and it feels like a tremendous weight off my own chest just writing this. This doesn't have to be stigmatized at all - and with proper understanding, and a little personal insight, it doesn't have to be a chaotic ride. Not always, anyway.