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Back to Fanny Hill V or on to Fanny Hill VII
Madam,
If I have delay'd the sequel of my history, it has been purely to allow
myself a little breathing time not without some hopes that, instead of
pressing me to a continuation, you would have acquitted me of the task
of pursuing a confession, in the course of which my self-esteem has so
many wounds to sustain.
I imagined, indeed, that you would have been cloy'd and tired with
uniformity of adventures and expressions, inseparable from a subject of
this sort, whose bottom, or groundwork being, in the nature of things,
eternally one and the same, whatever variety of forms and modes the situations
are susceptible of, there is no escaping a repetition of near the same
images, the same figures, the same expressions, with this further inconvenience
added to the disgust it creates, that the words JOYS, ARDOURS, TRANSPORTS,
EXTASIES, and the rest of those pathetic terms so congenial to, so received
in the PRACTICE OF PLEASURE, flatten and lose much of their due spirit
and energy by the frequency they indispensably recur with, in a narrative
of which that PRACTICE professedly composes the whole basis. I must therefore
trust to the candour of your judgement, for your allowing for the disadvantage
I am necessarily under in that respect, and to your imagination and sensibility,
the pleasing task of repairing it by their supplements, where my descriptions
flag or fail: the one will readily place the pictures I present before
your eyes; the other give life to the colours where they are dull, or worn
with too frequent handling.
What you say besides, by way of encouragement, concerning the extreme
difficulty of continuing so long in one strain, in a mean temper'd with
taste, between the revoltingness of gross, rank and vulgar expressions,
and the ridicule of mincing metaphors and affected circumlocutions, is
so sensible, as well as good-natur'd, that you greatly justify me to myself
for my compliance with a curiosity that is to be satisfied so extremely
at my expense.
Resuming now where I broke off in my last, I am in my way to remark
to you that it was late in the evening before I arriv'd at my new lodgings,
and Mrs. Cole, after helping me to range and secure my things, spent the
whole evening with me in my apartment, where we supped together, in giving
me the best advice and instruction with regard to this new stage of my
profession I was now to enter upon; and passing thus from a private devotee
to pleasure into a public one, to become a more general good, with all
the advantages requisite to put my person out to use, either for interest
or pleasure, or both. But then, she observ'd, as I was a kind of new face
upon the town, that it was an established rule, and part of trade, for
me to pass for a maid, and dispose of myself as such on the first good
occasion, without prejudice, however, to such diversions as I might have
a mind to in the interim; for that nobody could be a greater enemy than
she was to the losing of time. That she would, in the mean time, do her
best to find out a proper person, and would undertake to manage this nice
point for me, if I would accept of her aid and advice to such good purpose
that, in the loss of a fictitious maidenhead, I should reap all the advantages
of a native one.
Though such a delicacy of sentiments did not extremely belong to my
character at that time, I confess, against myself, that I perhaps too readily
closed with a proposal which my candor and ingenuity gave me some repugnance
to: but not enough to contradict the intention of one to whom I had now
thoroughly abandoned the direction of all my steps. For Mrs. Cole had,
I do not know how unless by one of those unaccountable invincible sympathies
that, nevertheless, form the strongest links, especially of female friendship,
won and got entire possession of me. On her side, she pretended that a
strict resemblance she fancied she saw in me to an only daughter whom she
had lost at my age, was the first motive of her taking to me so affectionately
as she did. It might be so: there exist as slender motives of attachment
that, gathering force from habit and liking, have proved often more solid
and durable than those founded on much stronger reasons; but this I know,
that tho' I had no other acquaintance with her than seeing her at my lodgings
when I lived with Mr. H . . ., where she had made errands to sell me some
millinery ware, she had by degrees insinuated herself so far into my confidence
that I threw myself blindly into her hands, and came, at length, to regard,
love, and obey her implicitly; and, to do her justice, I never experienc'd
at her hands other than a sincerity of tenderness, and care for my interest,
hardly heard of in those of her profession. We parted that night, after
having settled a perfect unreserv'd agreement; and the next morning Mrs.
Cole came, and took me with her to her house for the first time.
Here, at the first sight of things, I found everything breath'd an
air of decency, modesty and order.
In the outer parlour, or rather shop, sat three young women, very demurely
employ'd on millinery work, which was the cover of a traffic in more precious
commodities; but three beautifuller creatures could hardly be seen. Two
of them were extremely fair, the eldest not above nineteen; and the third,
much about that age, was a piquant brunette, whose black sparkling eyes,
and perfect harmony of features and shape, left her nothing to envy in
her fairer companions. Their dress too had the more design in it, the less
it appeared to have, being in a taste of uniform correct neatness, and
elegant simplicity. These were the girls that compos'd the small domestick
flock, which my governess train'd up with surprising order and management,
considering the giddy wildness of young girls once got upon the loose.
But then she never continued any in her house, whom, after a due novitiate,
she found untractable, or unwilling to comply with the rules of it. Thus
had she insensibly formed a little family of love, in which the members
found so sensibly their account, in a rare alliance of pleasure with interest,
and of a necessary outward decency with unbounded secret liberty, that
Mrs. Cole, who had pick'd them as much for their temper as their beauty,
govern'd them with ease to herself and them too.
To these pupils then of hers, whom she had prepar'd, she presented
me as a new boarder, and one that was to be immediately admitted to all
the intimacies of the house; upon which these charming girls gave me all
the marks of a welcome reception, and indeed of being perfectly pleased
with my figure, that I could possibly expect from any of my own sex: but
they had been effectually brought to sacrifice all jealousy, or competition
of charms, to a common interest, and consider'd me a partner that was bringing
no despicable stock of goods into the trade of the house. They gathered
round me, view'd me on all sides; and as my admission into this joyous
troop made a little holiday, the shew of work was laid aside; and Mrs.
Cole giving me up, with special recommendation, to their caresses and entertainment,
went about her ordinary business of the house.
The sameness of our sex, age, profession, and views soon created as
unreserv'd a freedom and intimacy as if we had been for years acquainted.
They took and shew'd me the house, their respective apartments, which were
furnished with every article of conveniency and luxury; and above all,
a spacious drawing-room, where a select revelling band usually met, in
general parties of pleasure; the girls supping with their sparks, and acting
their wanton pranks with unbounded licentiousness; whilst a defiance of
awe, modesty or jealousy were their standing rules, by which, according
to the principles of their society, whatever pleasure was lost on the side
of sentiment was abundantly made up to the senses in the poignancy of variety,
and the charms of ease and luxury. The authors and supporters of this secret
institution would, in the height of their humours style themselves the
restorers of the golden age and its simplicity of pleasures, before their
innocence became so injustly branded with the names of guilt and shame.
As soon then as the evening began, and the shew of a shop was shut,
the academy open'd; the mask of mock-modesty was completely taken off,
and all the girls deliver'd over to their respective calls of pleasure
or interest with their men; and none of that sex was promiscuously admitted,
but only such as Mrs. Cole was previously satisfied with their character
and discretion. In short, this was the safest, politest, and, at the same
time, the most thorough house of accommodation in town: every thing being
conducted so that decency made no intrenchment upon the most libertine
pleasures, in the practice of which too, the choice familiars of the house
had found the secret so rare and difficult, of reconciling even all the
refinements of taste and delicacy with the most gross and determinate gratifications
of senuality. After having consum'd the morning in the endearments and
instructions of my new acquaintance, we went to dinner, when Mrs. Cole,
presiding at the head of her club, gave me the first idea of her management
and address, in inspiring these girls with so sensible a love and respect
for her. There was no stiffness, no reserve, no airs of pique, or little
jealousies, but all was unaffectedly gay, cheerful and easy.
After dinner, Mrs. Cole, seconded by the young ladies, acquainted me
that there was a chapter to be held that night in form, for the ceremony
of my reception into the sisterhood; and in which, with all due reserve
to my maidenhead, that was to be occasionally cook'd up for the first proper
chapman, I was to undergo a ceremonial of initiation they were sure I should
not be displeased with.
Embark'd as I was, and moreover captivated with the charms of my new
companions, I was too much prejudic'd in favour of any proposal they could
make, to much as hesitate an assent; which, therefore, readily giving in
the style of a carte blanche, I receiv'd fresh kisses of compliment from
them all, in approval of my docility and good nature. Now I was "a
sweet girl . . ." I came into things with a "good grace . . ."
I was not "affectedly coy . . ." I should be "the pride
of the house . . ." and the like.
This point thus adjusted, the young women left Mrs. Cole to talk and
concert matters with me: she explained to me that I should be introduc'd,
that very evening, to four of her best friends, one of whom she had, according
to the custom of the house, favoured with the preference of engaging me
in the first party of pleasure; assuring me, at the same time, that they
were all young gentlemen agreeable in their persons, and unexceptionable
in every respect; that united, and holding together by the band of common
pleasures, they composed the chief support of her house, and made very
liberal presents to the girls that pleas'd and humour'd them, so that they
were, properly speaking, the founders and patrons of this little seraglio.
Not but that she had, at proper seasons, other customers to deal with,
whom she stood less upon punctilio with than with these; for instance,
it was not on one of them she could attempt to pass me for a maid; they
were not only too knowing, too much town-bred to bite at such a bait, but
they were such generous benefactors to her that it would be unpardonable
to think of it.
Amidst all the flutter and emotion which this promise of pleasure,
for such I conceiv'd it, stirr'd up in me, I preserved so much of the woman
as to feign just reluctance enough to make some merit of sacrificing it
to the influence of my patroness, whom I likewise, still in character,
reminded of it perhaps being right for me to go home and dress, in favour
of my first impressions.
But Mrs. Cole, in opposition to this, assured me that the gentlemen
I should be presented to were, by their rank and taste of things, infinitely
superior to the being touched with any glare of dress or ornaments, such
as silly women rather confound and overlay than set off their beauty with;
that these veteran voluptuaries knew better than not to hold them in the
highest contempt: they with whom the pure native charms alone could pass
current, and who would at any time leave a sallow, washy, painted duchess
on her own hands, for a ruddy, healthy, firm-flesh'd country maid; and
as for my part, that nature had done enough for me, to set me above owing
the least favour to art; concluding withal, that for the instant occasion,
there was no dress like an undress.
I thought my governess too good a judge of these matters not to be
easily over-ruled by her: after which she went on preaching very pathetically
the doctrine of passive obedience and not-resistance to all those arbitrary
tastes of pleasure, which are by some styl'd the refinements, and by others
the depravations of it; between whom it was not the business of a simple
girl, who was to profit by pleasing, to decide, but to conform to. Whilst
I was edifying by these wholesome lessons, tea was brought in, and the
young ladies, returning, joined company with us.
After a great deal of mix'd chat, frolic and humour, one of them, observing
that there would be a good deal of time on hand before the assembly-hour,
proposed that each girl should entertain the company with that critical
period of her personal history in which she first exchanged the maiden
state for womanhood. The proposal was approv'd, with only one restriction
of Mrs. Cole, that she, on account of her age, and I, on account of my
titular maidenhead, should be excused, at least till I had undergone the
forms of the house. This obtain'd me a dispensation, and the promotress
of this amusement was desired to begin.
Her name was Emily; a girl fair to excess, and whose limbs were, if
possible, too well made, since their plump fullness was rather to the prejudice
of that delicate slimness requir'd by the nicer judges of beauty; her eyes
were blue, and streamed inexpressible sweetness, and nothing could be prettier
than her mouth and lips, which clos'd over a range of the evenest and whitest
teeth. Thus she began:
"Neither my extraction, nor the most critical adventure of my
life, is sublime enough to impeach me of any vanity in the advancement
of the proposal you have approv'd of. My father and mother were, and for
aught I know, are still, farmers in the country, not above forty miles
from town: their barbarity to me, in favour of a son, on whom only they
vouchsafed to bestow their tenderness, had a thousand times determined
me to fly their house, and throw myself on the wide world; but, at length,
an accident forc'd me on this desperate attempt at the age of fifteen.
I had broken a china bowl, the pride and idol of both their hearts; and
as an unmerciful beating was the least I had to depend on at their hands,
in the silliness of those tender years I left the house, and, at all adventures,
took the road to London. How my loss was resented I do not know, for till
this instant I have not heard a syllable about them. My whole stock was
too broad pieces of my grandmother's, a few shillings, silver shoe-buckles
and a silver thimble. Thus equipp'd, with no more cloaths than the ordinary
ones I had on my back, and frighten'd at every foot or noise I heard behind
me, I hurried on; and I dare swear, walked a dozen miles before I stopped,
through mere weariness and fatigue. At length I sat down on a stile, wept
bitterly, and yet was still rather under increased impressions of fear
on the account of my escape; which made dread, worse than death, the going
back to face my unnatural parents. Refresh'd by this little repose, and
relieved by my tears, I was proceeding onward, when I was overtaken by
a sturdy country lad who was going to London to see what he could do for
himself there, and, like me, had given his friends the slip. He could not
be above seventeen, was ruddy, well featur'd enough, with uncombed flaxen
hair, a little flapp'd hat, kersey frock, yarn stockings, in short, a perfect
plough-boy. I saw him come whistling behind me, with a bundle tied to the
end of a stick, his travelling equipage. We walk'd by one another for some
time without speaking; at length we join'd company, and agreed to keep
together till we got to our journey's end. What his designs or ideas were,
I know not: the innocence of mine I can solemnly protest.
"As night drew on, it became us to look out for some inn or shelter;
to which perplexity another was added, and that was, what we should say
for ourselves, if we were question'd. After some puzzle, the young fellow
started a proposal, which I thought the finest that could be; and what
was that? why, that we should pass for husband and wife: I never once dream'd
of consequences. We came presently, after having agreed on this notable
expedient, to one of those hedge-accommodations for foot passengers, at
the door do which stood an old crazy beldam, who seeing us trudge by, invited
us to lodge there. Glad of any cover, we went in, and my fellow traveller,
taking all upon him, call'd for what the house afforded, and we supped
together as man and wife; which, considering our figures and ages, could
not have passed on any one but such as any thing could pass on. But when
bedtime came on, we had neither of us the courage to contradict out first
account of ourselves; and what was extremely pleasant, the young lad seem'd
as perplex'd as I was, how to evade lying together, which was so natural
for the state we had pretenced to. Whilst we were in this quandary, the
landlady takes the candle and lights us to our apartment, through a long
yard, at the end of which it stood, separate from the body of the house.
Thus we suffer'd ourselves to be conducted, without saying a word in opposition
to it; and there, in a wretched room, with a bed answerable, we were left
to pass the night together, as a thing quite of course. For my part, I
was so incredibly innocent as not even then to think much more harm of
going to bed with the young man than with one of our dairy-wenches; nor
had he, perhaps, any other notions than those of innocence, till such a
fair occasion put them into his head.
"Before either of us undressed, however, he put out the candle;
and the bitterness of the weather made it a kind of necessity for me to
go into bed: slipping then my cloaths off, I crept under the bed-cloaths,
where I found the young stripling already nestled, and the touch of his
warm flesh rather pleas'd than alarm'd me. I was indeed too much disturbed
with the novelty of my condition to be able to sleep; but then I had not
the least thought of harm. But, oh! how powerful are the instincts of nature!
how little is there wanting to set them in action! The young man, sliding
his arm under my body, drew me gently towards him, as if to keep himself
and me warmer; and the heat I felt from joining our breasts, kindled another
that I had hitherto never felt, and was, even then, a stranger to the nature
of. Emboldened, I suppose, by my easiness, he ventur'd to kiss me, and
I insensibly returned it, without knowing the consequence of returning
it; for, on this encouragement, he slipped his hand all down from my breast
to that part of me where the sense of feeling is so exquisitely critical,
as I then experienc'd by its instant taking fire upon the touch, and glowing
with a strange tickling heat: there he pleas'd himself and me, by feeling,
till, growing a little too bold, he hurt me, and made me complain. Then
he took my hand, which he guided, not unwillingly on my side, between the
twist of his closed thighs, which were extremely warm; there he lodged
and pressed it, till raising it by degrees, he made me feel the proud distinction
of his sex from mine. I was frighten'd at the novelty, and drew back my
hand; yet, pressed and spurred on by sensations of a strange pleasure,
I could not help asking him what that was for? He told me he would show
me if I would let him; and, without waiting for my answer, which he prevented
by stopping my mouth with kisses I was far from disrelishing, he got upon
me, and inserting one of his thighs between mine, opened them so as to
make way for himself, and fixed me to his purpose; whilst I was so much
out of my usual sense, so subdu'd by the present power of a new one, that,
between fear and desire, I lay utterly passive, till the piercing pain
rous'd and made me cry out. But it was too late: he was too firm fix'd
in the saddle for me to compass flinging him, with all the struggles I
could use, some of which only served to further his point, and at length
an irresistible thrust murdered at once my maidenhead, and almost me. I
now lay a bleeding witness of the necessity impos'd on our sex, to gather
the first honey off the thorns.
"But the pleasure rising as the pain subsided, I was soon reconciled
to fresh trials, and before morning, nothing on earth could be dearer to
me than this rifler of my virgin sweets: he was every thing to me now.
How we agreed to join fortunes; how we came up to town together, where
we lived some time, till necessity parted us, and drove me into this course
of life, in which I had been long ago battered and torn to pieces before
I came to this age, as much through my easiness, as through my inclination,
had it not been for my finding refuge in this house: these are all circumstances
which pass the mark I proposed, so that here my narrative ends."
In the order of our sitting, it was Harriet's turn to go on. Amongst
all the beauties of our sex that I had before or have since seen, few indeed
were the forms that could dispute excellence with her's; it was not delicate,
but delicacy itself incarnate, such was the symmetry of her small but exactly
fashion'd limbs. Her complexion, fair as it was, appeared yet more fair
from the effect of two black eyes, the brilliancy of which gave her face
more vivacity than belonged to the colour of it, which was only defended
from paleness by a sweetly pleasing blush in her cheeks, that grew fainter
and fainter, till at length it died away insensibly into the overbearing
white. Then her miniature features join'd to finish the extreme sweetness
of it, which was not belied by that of temper turned to indolence, languor,
and the pleasures of love. Press'd to subscribe her contingent, she smiled,
blushed a little, and thus complied with our desires:
"My father was neither better nor worse than a miller near the
city of York; and both he and my mother dying whilst I was an infant, I
fell under the care of a widow and childless aunt, housekeeper to my lord
N . . ., at his seat in the county of . . ., where she brought me up with
all imaginable tenderness. I was not seventeen, as I am not now eighteen,
before I had, on account of my person purely (for fortune I had notoriously
none), several advantageous proposals; but whether nature was slow in making
me sensible in her favourite passion, or that I had not seen any of the
other sex who had stirr'd up the least emotion or curiosity to be better
acquainted with it, I had, till that age, preserv'd a perfect innocence,
even of thought: whilst my fears of I did not well know what, made me no
more desirous of marrying than of dying. My aunt, good woman, favoured
my timorousness, which she look'd on as childish affection, that her own
experience might probably assure her would wear off in time, and gave my
suitors proper answers for me.
"The family had not been down at that seat for years, so that
it was neglected, and committed entirely to my aunt, and two old domestics
to take care of it. Thus I had the full range of a spacious lonely house
and gardens, situate at about half a mile distance form any other habitation,
except, perhaps, a straggling cottage or so.
"Here, in tranquillity and innocence, I grew up without any memorable
accident, till one fatal day I had, as I had often done before, left my
aunt fast asleep, and secure for some hours, after dinner; and resorting
to a kind of ancient summer-house, at some distance from the house, I carried
my work with me, and sat over a rivulet, which its door and window fac'd
upon. Here I fell into a gentle breathing slumber, which stole upon my
senses, as they fainted under the excessive heat of the season at that
hour; a cane couch, with my work-basket for a pillow, were all the conveniencies
of my short repose; for I was soon awaked and alarmed by a flounce, and
the noise of splashing in the water. I got up to see what was the matter;
and what indeed should it be but the son of a neighbouring gentleman, as
I afterwards found (for I had never seen him before), who had strayed that
way with his gun, and heated by his sport, and the sultriness of the day,
had been tempted by the freshness of the clear stream; so that presently
stripping, he jump'd into it on the other side, which bordered on a wood,
some trees whereof, inclined down to the water, form'd a pleasing shady
recess, commodious to undress and leave his clothes under.
"My first emotions at the sight of this youth, naked in the water,
were, with all imaginable respect to truth, those of surprise and fear;
and, in course, I should immediately have run out, had not my modesty,
fatally for itself, interposed the objection of the door and window being
so situated that it was scarce possible to get out, and make my way along
the bank to the house, without his seeing me: which I could not bear the
thought of, so much ashamed and confounded was I at having seen him. Condemn'd
then to stay till his departure should release me, I was greatly embarrassed
how to dispose of myself: I kept some time betwixt terror and modesty,
even from looking through the window, which being an old-fashinon'd casement,
without any light behind me, could hardly betray any one's being there
to him from within; then the door was so secure, that without violence,
or my own consent, there was no opening it from without.
"But now, by my own experience, I found it too true that objects
which affright us, when we cannot get from them, draw out eyes as forcibly
as those that please us. I could not long withstand that nameless impulse,
which, without any desire of this novel sight, compelled me towards it;
embolden'd too by my certainty of being at once unseen and safe, I ventur'd
by degrees to cast my eyes on an object so terrible and alarming to my
virgin modesty as a naked man. But as I snatched a look, the first gleam
that struck me was in general the dewy lustre of the whitest skin imaginable,
which the sun playing upon made the reflection of it perfectly beamy. His
face, in the confusion I was in, I could not well distinguish the lineaments
of, any farther than that there was a great deal of youth and freshness
in it. The frolic and various play of all his polish'd limbs, as they appeared
above the surface, in the course of his swimming or wantoning with the
water, amus'd and insensibly delighted me: sometimes he lay motionless,
on his back, waterborne, and dragging after him a fine head of hair, that,
floating, swept the stream in a bush of black curls. Then the over-flowing
water would make a separation between his breast and glossy white belly;
at the bottom of which I could not escape observing so remarkable a distinction
as a black mossy tuft, out of which appeared to emerge a round, softish,
limber, white something, that played every way, with ever the least motion
or whirling eddy. I cannot say but that part chiefly, by a kind of natural
instinct, attracted, detain'd, captivated my attention: it was out of the
power of all my modesty to command my eye away from it; and seeing nothing
so very dreadful in its appearance, I insensibly lock'd away all my fears:
but as fast as they gave way, new desires and strange wishes took place,
and I melted as I gazed. The fire of nature, that had so long lain dormant
or conceal'd, began to break out, and made me feel my sex the first time.
He had now changed his posture, and swam prone on his belly, striking out
with his legs and arms, finer modell'd than which could not have been cast,
whilst his floating locks played over a neck and shoulders whose whiteness
they delightfully set off. Then the luxuriant swell of flesh that rose
form the small of his back, and terminated its double cope at where the
thighs are sent off, perfectly dazzled one with its watery glistening gloss.
"By this time I was so affected by this inward involution of sentiments,
so soften'd by this sight, that now, betrayed into a sudden transition
from extreme fears to extreme desires, I found these last so strong upon
me, the heat of the weather too perhaps conspiring to exalt their rage,
that nature almost fainted under them. Not that I so much as knew precisely
what was wanting to me: my only thought was that so sweet a creature as
this youth seemed to me could only make me happy; but then, the little
likelihood there was of compassing an acquaintance with him, or perhaps
of ever seeing him again, dash'd my desires, and turn'd them into torments.
I was still gazing, with all the powers of my sight, on this bewitching
object, when, in an instant, down he went. I had heard of such things as
a cramp seizing on even the best swimmers, and occasioning their being
drowned; and imagining this so sudden eclipse to be owing to it, the inconceivable
fondness this unknown lad had given birth to distracted me with the most
killing terrors; insomuch, that my concern giving the wings, I flew to
the door, open'd it, ran down to the canal, guided thither by the madness
of my fears for him, and the intense desire of being an instrument to save
him, though I was ignorant how, or by what means to effect it: but was
it for fears, and a passion so sudden as mine, to reason? All this took
up scarce the space of a few moments. I had then just life enough to reach
the green borders of the waterpiece, where wildly looking round for the
young man, and missing him still, my fright and concern sunk me down in
a deep swoon, which must have lasted me some time; for I did not come to
myself till I was rous'd out of it by a sense of pain that pierced me to
the vitals, and awaked me to the most surprising circumstance of finding
myself not only in the arms of this very same young gentleman I had been
so solicitous to save, but taken at such an advantage in my unresisting
condition that he had actually completed his entrance into me so far, that
weakened as I was by all the preceding conflicts of mind I had suffer'd,
and struck dumb by the violence of my surprise, I had neither the power
to cry out nor the strength to disengage myself from his strenuous embraces,
before, urging his point, he had forced his way and completely triumphed
over my virginity, as he might now as well see by the streams of blood
that follow'd his drawing out, as he had felt by the difficulties he had
met with consummating his penetration. But the sight of the blood, and
the sense of my condition, had (as he told me afterwards), since the ungovernable
rage of his passion was somewhat appeas'd, now wrought so far on him that
at all risks, even of the worst consequences, he could not find in his
heart to leave me, and make off, which he might easily have done. I still
lay all descompos'd in bleeding ruin, palpitating, speechless, unable to
get off, and frightened, and fluttering like a poor wounded partridge,
and ready to faint away again at the sense of what had befallen me. The
young gentleman was by me, kneeling, kissing my hand, and with tears in
his eyes beseeching me to forgive him, and offering all the reparation
in his power. It is certain that could I, at the instant of regaining my
senses, have called out, or taken the bloodiest revenge, I would not have
stuck at it: the violation was attended too with such aggravating circumstances,
though he was ignorant of them, since it was to my concern for the preservation
of his life that I owed my ruin.
"But how quick is the shift of passions from one extreme to another!
and how little are they acquainted with the human heart who dispute it!
I could not see this amiable criminal, so suddenly the first object of
my love, and as suddenly of my just hate, on his knees, bedewing my hand
with his tears, without relenting. He was still stark-naked, but my modesty
had been already too much wounded, in essentials, to be so much shocked
as I should have otherwise been with appearances only; in short, my anger
ebbed so fast, and the tide of love return'd so strong upon me, that I
felt it a point of my own happiness to forgive him. The reproaches I made
him were murmur'd in so soft a tone, my eyes met his with such glances,
expressing more languor than resentment, that he could not but presume
his forgiveness was at no desperate distance; but still he would not quit
his posture of submission, till I had pronounced his pardon in form; which
after the most fervent entreaties, protestations, and promises, I had not
the power to withhold. On which, with the utmost marks of a fear of again
offending, he ventured to kiss my lips, which I neither declined nor resented;
but on my mild expostulations with him upon the barbarity of his treatment,
he explain'd the mystery of my ruin, if not entirely to the clearance,
at least much to the alleviation of his guilt, in the eyes of a judge so
partial in his favour as I was grown.
"Its seems that the circumstance of his going down, or sinking,
which in my extreme ignorance I had mistaken for something very fatal,
was no other than a trick of diving which I had not ever heard, or at least
attended to, the mention of: and he was so long-breath'd at it, that in
the few moments in which I ran out to save him, he had not yet emerged,
before I fell into the swoon, in which, as he rose, seeing me extended
on the bank, his first idea was that some young woman was upon some design
of frolic or diversion with him, for he knew I could not have fallen a-sleep
there without his having seen me before: agreeably to which notion he had
ventured to approach, and finding me without sign of life, and still perplex'd
as he was what to think of the adventure, he took me in his arms at all
hazards, and carried me into the summer-house, of which he observed the
door open: there he laid me down on the couch, and tried, as he protested
in good faith, by several means to bring me to myself again, till fired,
as he said, beyond all bearing by the sight and touch of several parts
of me which were unguardedly exposed to him, he could no longer govern
his passion; and the less, as he was not quite sure that his first idea
of this swoon being a feint was not the very truth of the case: seduced
then by this flattering notion, and overcome by the present, as he styled
them, superhuman temptations, combined with the solitude and seeming security
of the attempt, he was not enough his own master not to make it. Leaving
me then just only whilst he fastened the door, he returned with redoubled
eagerness to his prey: when, finding me still entranced, he ventured to
place me as he pleased, whilst I felt, no more than the dead, what he was
about, till the pain he put me to roused me just in time enough to be witness
of a triumph I was not able to defeat, and now scarce regretted: for as
he talked, the tone of his voice sounded, methought, so sweetly in my ears,
the sensible nearness of so new and interesting an object to me wrought
so powerfully upon me, that, in the rising perception of things in a new
and pleasing light, I lost all sense of the past injury. The young gentleman
soon discern'd the symptoms of a reconciliation in my softened looks, and
hastening to receive the seal of it from my lips, press'd them tenderly
to pass his pardon in the return of a kiss so melting fiery, that the impression
of it being carried to my heart, and thence to my new-discover'd sphere
of Venus, I was melted into a softness that could refuse him nothing. When
now he managed his caresses and endearments so artfully as to insinuate
the most soothing consolations for the past pain and the most pleasing
expectations of future pleasure, but whilst mere modesty kept my eyes from
seeing his and rather declined them, I had a glimpse of that instrument
of the mischief which was now, obviously even to me, who had scarce had
snatches of a comparative observation of it, resuming its capacity to renew
it, and grew greatly alarming with its increase of size, as he bore it
no doubt designedly, hard and stiff against one of my hands carelessly
dropt; but then he employ'd such tender prefacing, such winning progressions,
that my returning passion of desire being now so strongly prompted by the
engaging circumstances of the sight and incendiary touch of his naked glowing
beauties, I yielded at length at the force of the present impressions,
and he obtained of my tacit blushing consent all the gratifications of
pleasure left in the power of my poor person to bestow, after he had cropt
its richest flower, during my suspension of life and abilities to guard
it.
"Here, according to the rule laid down, I should stop; but I am
so much in motion, that I could not if I would. I shall only add, however,
that I got home without the least discovery, or suspicion of what had happened.
I met my young ravisher several times after, whom I now passionately lov'd
and who, tho' not of age to claim a small but independent fortune, would
have married me; but as the accidents that prevented it, and their consequences
which threw me on the publick, contain matters too moving and serious to
introduce at present, I cut short here."
Louisa, the brunette whom I mentioned at first, now took her turn to
treat the company with her history. I have already hinted to you the graces
of her person, than which nothing could be more exquisitely touching; I
repeat touching, as a just distinction from striking, which is ever a less
lasting effect, and more generally belongs to the fair complexions: but
leaving that decision to every one's taste, I proceed to give you Louisa's
narrative as follows:
"According to practical maxims of life, I ought to boast of my
birth, since I owe it to pure love, without marriage; but this I know,
it was scarce possible to inherit a stronger propensity to that cause of
my being than I did. I was the rare production of the first essay of a
journeyman cabinet-maker on his master's maid: the consequence of which
was a big belly, and the loss of a place. He was not in circumstances to
do much for her; and yet, after all this blemish, she found means, after
she had dropt her burthen and disposed of me to a poor relation's in the
country, to repair it by marrying a pastry-cook here in London, in thriving
business; on whom she soon, under favour of the complete ascendant he had
given her over him, passed me for a child she had by her first husband.
I had, on that footing, been taken home, and was not six years old when
this step-father died and left my mother in tolerable circumstances, and
without any children by him. As to my natural father, he had betaken himself
to the sea; where, when the truth of things came out, I was told that he
died, not immensely rich you may think, since he was no more than a common
sailor. As I grew up, under the eyes of my mother, who kept on the business,
I could not but see, in her severe watchfulness, the marks of a slip which
she did not care should be hereditary, but we no more choose our passions
than our features or complexion, and the bent of mine was so strong to
the forbidden pleasure, that it got the better, at length, of all her care
and precaution. I was scarce twelve years old before that part which she
wanted so much to keep out of harm's way made me feel its impatience to
be taken notice of, and come into play: already had it put forth the signs
of forwardness in the sprout of a soft down over it, which had often flatter'd,
and I might also say, grown under my constant touch and visitation, so
pleas'd was I with what I took to be a kind of title to womanhood, that
state I pin'd to be entr'd of, for the pleasures I conceiv'd were annexed
to it; and now the growing importance of that part to me, and the new sensations
in it, demolish'd at once all my girlish playthings and amusements. Nature
now pointed me strongly to more solid diversions, while all the stings
of desire settled so fiercely in that little centre of them, that I could
not mistake the spot I wanted a playfellow in. "I now shunn'd all
company in which there was no hopes of coming at the object of my longings,
and used to shut myself up, to indulge in solitude some tender meditation
on the pleasures I strongly perceiv'd the overture of, in feeling and examining
what nature assur'd me must be the chosen avenue, the gates for unknown
bliss to enter at, that I panted after.
"But these meditations only increas'd my disorder, and blew the
fire that consumed me. I was yet worse when, yielding at length to the
insupportable irritations of the little fairy charm that tormented me,
I seiz'd it with my fingers, teasing it to no end. Sometimes, in the furious
excitations of desire, I threw myself on the bed, spread my thighs abroad,
and lay as it were expecting the longed-for relief, till finding my illusion,
I shut and squeez'd them together again, burning and fretting. In short,
this dev'lish thing, with its impetuous girds and itching fires, led me
such a life that I could neither night nor day be at peace with it or myself.
In time, however, I thought I had gained a prodigious prize, when figuring
to myself that my fingers were something of the shape of what I pined for,
I worked my way in for one of them with great agitation and delight; yet
not without pain too did I deflower myself as far as it could reach; proceeding
with such a fury of passion, in this solitary and last shift of pleasure,
as extended me at length breathless on the bed in an amorous melting trance.
"But frequency of use dulling the sensation, I soon began to perceive
that this work was but a paltry shallow expedient that went but a little
way to relieve me, and rather rais'd more flame than its dry and insignificant
titillation could rightly appease.
"Man alone, I almost instinctively knew, as well as by what I
had industriously picked up at weddings and christenings, was possess'd
of the only remedy that could reduce this rebellious disorder; but watch'd
and overlook'd as I was, how to come at it was the point, and that, to
all appearance, an invincible one; not that I did not rack my brains and
invention how at once to elude my mother's vigilance, and procure myself
the satisfaction of my impetuous curiosity and longings for this mighty
and untasted pleasure. At length, however, a singular chance did at once
the work of a long course of alertness. One day that we had dined at an
acquaintance's over the way, together with a gentlewoman-lodger that occupied
the first floor of our house, there started an indispensable necessity
for my mother's going down to Greenwich to accompany her: the party was
settled, when I do not know what genius whispered me to plead a headache,
which I certainly had not, against my being included in a jaunt that I
had not the least relish for. The pretext however passed, and my mother,
with much reluctance, prevailed with herself to go without me; but took
particular care to see me safe home, where she consign'd me into the hands
of an old trusty maid-servant, who served in the shop, for we had not a
male creature in the house.
"As soon as she was gone, I told the maid I would go up and lie
down on our lodger's bed, mine not being made, with a charge to her at
the same time not to disturb me, as it was only rest I wanted. This injunction
probably prov'd of eminent service to me. As soon as I was got into the
bedchamber, I unlaced my stays, and threw myself on the outside of the
bed-cloaths, in all the loosest undress. Here I gave myself up to the old
insipid privy shifts of my self-viewing, self-touching, self-enjoying,
in fine, to all the means of self-knowledge I could devise, in search of
the pleasure that fled before me, and tantalized with that unknown something
that was out of my reach; thus all only serv'd to enflame myself, and to
provoke violently my desires, whilst the one thing needful to their satisfaction
was not at hand, and I could have bit my fingers, for representing it so
ill. After then wearying and fatiguing myself with grasping shadows, whilst
that most sensible part of me disdain'd to content itself with less than
realities, the strong yearnings, the urgent struggles of nature towards
the melting relief, and the extreme self-agitations I had used to come
at it, had wearied and thrown me into a kind of unquiet sleep: for, if
I tossed and threw about my limbs in proportion to the distraction of my
dreams, as I had reason to believe I did, a bystander could not have help'd
seeing all for love. And one there was it seems; for waking out of my very
short slumber, I found my hand lock'd in that of a young man, who was kneeling
at my bed-side, and begging my pardon for his boldness: but that being
a son to the lady to whom this bedchamber, he knew, belonged, he had slipp'd
by the servant of the shop, as he supposed, unperceiv'd, when finding me
asleep, his first ideas were to withdraw; but that he had been fix'd and
detain'd there by a power he could better account for than resist.
"What shall I say? my emotions of fear and surprize were instantly
subdued by those of the pleasure I bespoke in great presence of mind from
the turn this adventure might take. He seem'd to me no other than a pitying
angel, dropt out of the clouds: for he was young and perfectly handsome,
which was more than even I had asked for; man, in general, being all that
my utmost desires had pointed at. I thought then I could not put too much
encouragement into my eyes and voice; I regretted no leading advances;
no matter for his after-opinion of my forwardness, so it might bring him
to the point of answering my pressing demands of present case; it was not
now with his thoughts, but his actions, that my business immediately lay.
I rais'd then my head, and told him, in a soft tone that tended to prescribe
the same key to him, that his mamma was gone out and would not return till
late at night: which I thought no bad hint; but as it prov'd, I had nothing
of a novice to deal with. The impressions I had made on him from the discoveries
I had betrayed of my person in the disordered motions of it, during his
view of me asleep, had, as he afterwards told me, so fix'd and charmingly
prepar'd him, that, had I known his dispositions, I had more to hope from
his violence than to fear from his respect; and even less than the extreme
tenderness which I threw into my voice and eyes, would have served to encourage
him to make the most of the opportunity. Finding then that his kisses,
imprinted on my hand, were taken as tamely as he could wish, he rose to
my lips; and glewing his to them, made me so faint with over-coming joy
and pleasure that I fell back, and he with me, in course, on the bed, upon
which I had, by insensibly shifting from the side to near the middle, invitingly
made room for him. He is now lain down by me, and the minutes being too
precious to consume in untimely ceremony, or dalliance, my youth proceeds
immediately to those extremities, which all my looks, flushing and palpitations
had assured him he might attempt without the fear of repulse: those rogues,
the men, read us admirably on these occasions. I lay then at length panting
for the imminent attack, with wishes far beyond my fears, and for which
it was scarce possible for a girl, barely thirteen, but all and well grown,
to have better dispositions. He threw up my petticoat and shift, whilst
my thighs were, by an instinct of nature, unfolded to their best; and my
desires had so thoroughly destroy'd all modesty in me, that even their
being now naked and all laid open to him, was part of the prelude that
pleasure deepen'd my blushes at, more than shame. But when his hand, and
touches, naturally attracted to their centre, made me feel all their wantonness
and warmth in, and round it, oh! how immensely different a sense of things
did I perceive there, than when under my own insipid handling! And now
his waistcoat was unbuttoned, and the confinement of the breeches burst
through, when out started to view the amazing, pleasing object of all my
wishes, all my dreams, all my love, the king member indeed! I gaz'd at,
I devoured it, at length and breadth, with my eyes intently directed to
it, till his getting upon me, and placing it between my thighs, took from
me the enjoyment of its sight, to give me a far more grateful one in its
touch, in that part where its touch is so exquisitely affecting. Applying
it then to the minute opening, for such at that age it certainly was, I
met with too much good will, I felt with too great a rapture of pleasure
the first insertion of it, to heed much the pain that followed: I thought
nothing too dear to pay for this the richest treat of the senses; so that,
split up, torn, bleeding, mangled, I was still superiorly pleas'd, and
hugg'd the author of all this delicious ruin. But when, soon after, he
made his second attack, sore as every thing was, the smart was soon put
away by the sovereign cordial; all my soft complainings were silenc'd,
and the pain melting fast away into pleasure. I abandon'd myself over to
all its transports, and gave it the full possession of my whole body and
soul; for now all thought was at an end with me; I lived but in what I
felt only. And who could describe those feelings, those agitations, yet
exalted by the charm of their novelty and surprize? when that part of me
which had so long hunger'd for the dear morsel that now so delightfully
crammed it, forc'd all my vital sensations to fix their home there, during
the stay of my beloved guest; who too soon paid me for his hearty welcome
in a dissolvent, richer far than that I have heard of some queen treating
her paramour with, in liquify'd pearl, and ravishingly pour'd into me,
where, now myself too much melted to give it a dry reception, I hail'd
it with the warmest confluence on my side, amidst all those extatic raptures,
not unfamiliar I presume to this good company! Thus, however, I arrived
at the very top of all my wishes, by an accident unexpected indeed, but
not so wonderful; for this young gentleman was just arriv'd in town from
college, and came familiarly to his mother at her apartment, where he had
once before been, though by mere chance. I had not seen him: so that we
knew one another by hear-say only; and finding me stretched on his mother's
bed, he readily concluded, from her description who it was. The rest you
know.
"This affair had however no ruinous consequences, the young gentleman
escaping then, and many more times undiscover'd. But the warmth of my constitution,
that made the pleasures of love a kind of necessary of life to me, having
betray'd me into indiscretions fatal to my private fortune, I fell at length
to the publick; from which, it is probable, I might have met with the worst
of ruin if my better fate had not thrown me into this safe and agreeable
refuge."
Here Louisa ended; and these little histories having brought the time
for the girls to retire, and to prepare for the revels of the evening,
I staid with Mrs. Cole till Emily came and told us the company was met,
and waited for us.