Viking Weather Minute
(A
Very Short Play. The
Viking Vignettes are intended to be placed amongst other plays in the fashion of
television advertisements.)
Parts: Olaf Arinbjorn, Viking
Weatherman
(A man enters wearing a suit with a Viking helmet, and stands in front of a map of northern
Europe and a table filled with props.)
OLAF: God kväll
1, I'm Olaf Arinbjorn and Welcome to your Viking Weather Minute!
(He gestures idly to the map behind him)
OLAF: This raiding season be sure to wear your sealskin, as
Njord is feeling melancholy! The seas will be rough, but be brave with the wind on your backs, as
Thor's wrath grows with the surging of the tides! The seas will be red with the
blood of your enemies!
(He grabs a small can of paint off the table, and throws it on the
North Sea)
OLAF: Expect showers during the summer months, swelling the rivers of
Normandy and allowing for easy access to much of the rich, heaving, fertile
French countryside.
(He stabs a knife into
France, and spits on it)
OLAF: Later in the year the
Angles and
Saxons should have a pleasant plundering and butchering of monasteries and churches throughout their newly conquered island!
(He cuts
Britain out of the map, sets it on fire, and drops it in a bucket on the table)
OLAF: And to our
Jute friends, have a happy
Einherjar!
(He does a shot of some
liquor, makes a queer face, and spits it on the map)
OLAF: Finally, According to these
goat entrails
(He reaches into another bucket and pulls out something gross the audience won't mind being pelted with too terribly much, perhaps
gummy worms?)
OLAF:
victory during the end of the raiding season has been assured by the wisdom of
Wotan One-Eyed!
(He throws the aforementioned disgusting things into the audience, and then he picks up an
axe.)
OLAF: And we shall conquer all of the Christian lands! France Occidental! France Oriental! Great
Moravia! Bourgone! Italia!
Poland! Twice!
(As he reads off this litany of places he uses the axe to attack them on the map, going on a bit of a
berserk rampage, and then turning around…)
OLAF: THIS HAS BEEN YOUR VIKING WEATHER MINUTE. AND UNTIL
RAGNAROK, I'M OLAF ARINBJORN!!
(Lights out.)
1. Anything that isn't English is Swedish. FYI.