So now
it's over and I've not even begun
crying over you.
Did you really
feel any of the things I felt during our
time together? What was it about me that made you able to tell me what you felt when I was only a
nuisance but a few
weeks later. Was I just a
cardboard sit-in for your boyfriend? Was I just a
temporary outlet for all your problems with him?
I've heard you think I'm not
mature enough. I've heard you think I'm not good around groups of
people, that I'm not the same
person there. You told me yourself that it was simply the fact that I was pushing you too hard.
These are
shallow reasons to throw someone from a
skyscraper you built for him, and I know you're not
shallow. So the answer is
obvious. You needed
someone to have a brief
intimacy because of your strong feelings at the time, your anger over your
boyfriend's
behavior and there I was, walking in the door with a stupid
grin in my face like someone they drop
pianos on in
cartoons. I wasn't
necessary any more once you'd
finished unloading all your problems with him on me. That was mostly all you did with me, tell me about what he'd done to you.
It's a
textbook case. The
rebound.
I should have seen it coming. I did see it somewhere within me, but I was struck
dumb and I didn't care or maybe I thought it would all work out somehow.
Now I'm left here feeling
unwanted,
ashamed,
alone,
confused, and
used, and, despite all of it, I want to be with you more than
anything. It hurts so much to know as I do that you'll never want me, that I was just a temporary
crutch in your
life, and yet, I can't help hoping, like an
idiot once again, that you'll somehow
change your mind.
Worst of all, I know that
I love you. I don't deserve to have to feel that way about you when you really don't want anything to do with me, but I can't
change it.
(Here's that 'bitter node' wintersweet was surprised not to find...)