Or, SO YOU WANT TO BE A TROLL!@^#!@
Maybe pulling the wings off of flies has lost its charm. Maybe you're tired of using the internet passively - surfing for porn, surfing for Britney Spears porn, surfing for animal porn, using Napster - you want to do something to CHANGE PEOPLE'S LIVES.
Or maybe not. whatever. Regardless of the reason, CONGRATULATIONS! You're on your way to becoming a troll, the THINKING misanthropic numbskull's way of pouring applesauce on the heads of smaller, younger boys.
SO WHAT DO I NEED TO DO?!#%!#??1
1) Figure out who's in charge.
This is usually the toughest part, because it requires reading and paying attention and other skills usually only posessed by homos and losers. It all depends on what you are trying to troll. Usually, whoever people talk about the most are in charge.
So you have to listen. Here are some examples:
Everything2 --> dem bones, nate, DMan, EDB
Slashdot --> CmdrTaco, Linux, RMS, ESR, CowboyNeal
an IRC channel --> anyone with an @ in front of their name, ChanSrv, X
America --> Bush, Bill Gates, Jesus, Elvis
2) Hit them with the most vile insults your sloping forehead and pea-sized brain can manage.
It's okay if you don't normally speak the language of your target(s) - they will be impressed by your attempted use of their native tongue. Note how enthusiastically they gibber back at you in their crazy moon language when you type "EL SPAINO PRESIDENTO CAN SUCK GRANDE DICKS PLZ!!!"
If you're stuck for ideas, try the following sure-fire humdinger insults:
<target> enjoys performing oral sex on men
<target> enjoys performing oral sex on dogs
<target> enjoys performing oral sex on donkeys
<target> enjoys performing oral sex on you
<target> enjoys engaging in anal intercourse with men
<target> enjoys engaging in anal intercourse with dogs
<target> enjoys engaging in anal intercourse with donkeys
<target> enjoys engaging in anal intercourse with you
<target> is fat
For even better results, mix and match them. Example:
"Linux sucks donkeys! And is also fat!"
Make sure you type everything in capital letters, so that people will be able to read it.
If that doesn't work, try it again, with more exclamation points.
3) Repeat until boring
YOU MUST NOT STOP. Remember, you're making these nerds' lives more interesting. They would all be sitting around, talking about nerdy stuff on their computers and not getting laid, if it weren't for you. Let them know that. Constantly. You can help these people. You are better than them. You are a God.
If they try to get rid of you, it means you're winning. Find a way to return. Declare your superiority once you arrive. (Don't forget the capitals and exclamation points!) Eventually they will admit defeat and make you their King, and shower you with gifts and money and naked chicks. It just takes time. Sometimes you have to say "dem bones sucks my peepee" seven or eight thousand times before they give in. BE PERSISTANT. Evil will
always triumph, because Good is dumb. You can do it. GO GET 'EM, TIGER!
Or just go get some more porn. There's some good shit on stileproject.com. Check it out. Or don't. Whatever.