May 19, 1999

There has to be a nice place between living in isolation.. out of sadness/fear and other consuming things.. with the mind set of "If I am alone, no one can hurt me.. if they think they really know me.. they are wrong because all I show is a mask" (which everyone can see through anyway).. and "I trust everyone .. that is til they hurt me.. but even then they didn't do it on purpose and might change" .. I tend to do both at once.. I'm talented.. "I am extreme opposites".. or something unique and quirky.. fuck that.. i just want to help others.. im stupidly and naively idealistic.. with a dash of realism.. i want to leave myself open for those who may need someone.. a friend.. or something.. but i just keep getting burned..

I don't like the world we live in.. it has its beautiful moments.. but usually its a cruel place.. where people need to become calloused to survive.. i refuse to become calloused.. so i guess part of my pain is self-inflicted.. if i'm going to experience the world.. im going to do it 100% even if it kills me.. no protective hardness.. heh.. even if it kills me.. the way things are going.. i assume one of the many knives in my back will finally kill me dead.

Voles, Cats and an 11 Year Old Girl:

Pre-adolescent girl asks, "Mom, what are rabies?"

Mom, cooking, answers factually....

Girl whispers "can a cat die from rabies"

Mom, still distracted at stove, "sure"

Silent, crocodile tears begin splashing on the table

Mom, finally beginning to catch on....”did something bite Kitty?"

Girl “maybe”

Mom, "where?"

Girl "in my room" "I rescued 'it' but 'it' escaped"

Turns out my daughter had snatched a vole or some such jumping rodent from the jaws of neighborhood cat, secreted said rodent away in her room where he promptly escaped to “threaten” our house cat. After spending way too many dollars on Have-a-Heart traps we captured the critter and released him to the wild only to have him run leaping straight into a stream.

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noded 2 years late, but it did happen in Spring. The house cat and the girl both survived the incident, we aren't sure about the vole.