I cant even begin
to imagine what contemplating suicide
might be like for the average person, just the normal, everyday, rational enough
, healthy person who might be a little lonely or frustrated
or sad. But I do
know how it was for me
, I do know how it was after a lifetime of mistreatment
and distorted views on life imposed upon me, complete lack of appreciation for anything whatsoever I excelled in, on/off relationships
, utter confusion, a lack of basic knowledge of how to look after myself
after never really having been taught, my mother choosing my molesterer over me and my father just plain forgetting about me.. and a mental illness
and none of the above suggestions would have worked.
I swear to God, there’s nothing you could have told me, no way you could have reached me, if I had decided. In any way, in any manner. Nothing could have touched me. I didn’t care; and I wasn’t in touch with your world at all. How could you bring me anything to make me want to live? You couldn’t. There are some people who are so out of it, so detached and so blank, having lived in such a warped environment that the only thing you can do if you want to save them from possible suicide, is take them by force and get them helped. Monitor the poor little dear because even though I didn’t end up doing it.. that was a decision I made for myself and I am not at all convinced I wont end up doing it some time. The frame of mind it takes to become seriously suicidal is one where no sense of reason can ever pervade. In these times the only thing is to wait it out. Wait for them to become more rational, wait for them to recover, if it’s a prolonged thing. I feel sorry for other people like me, because, I could do it any second and not one of you would have made the effort to make sure I wasn’t going to, despite knowing I had a propensity for it. I wont, though, that’s the thing. I’m not dependent on other people because I have never been able to. So since I am in a more narcissistic mindset I only have myself for support, and its almost like I am split, like there is more of me.. and these.. ‘mores’.. don’t let me die, even when I want to, so I should be grateful, yes?
The point is, if there’s anyone else like me with depression or something else, who is dependent on any other person other than themselves in any way, they might actually do it. And your ideas of ‘writing down what you really want after careful consideration’ are no good at all. Most of the time, the reason these people want to die is because there is nothing they want from life. It is so completely devoid of any type of satisfaction that they cannot strive for anything. And thinking of something to want is hard.
I also know that for me, suicide, although subconsciously planned (it is always being subconsciously planned) will be a completely impulsive thing that I do one morning because I cant imagine another day, here. Pre-emptive suicide is the best, for me :) But for others.. they’ll just up and do it. Only thing I can tell you, if you want to help anybody.. be more perceptive. And if you really care, you need to get them help. A lot of them wont give a fuck that you’re a friendly ear, or a shoulder to cry on, that’s not what they want or need, you can’t touch them - they need actual forceful help. It's not about hope, its not about family or friends or love or dreams.. it's about being ill. This is often hard to detect.