I lost control of my car. This is not normal. I am a defensive driver. Hydroplaning car on curving entrance ramp to a major highway. Split second decision. turn into "skid" also turn into oncoming 65 mph rush hour traffic. try for straight, at right angles to aforementioned traffic. turn opposite, spin in circles until the embankment stops me. I opted for possibly wrecking only one of us. round and round until up over the curb and into the hill. Unfortunately I ended up facing backwards in the blind spot of the bend. Zip, Zip, Zip, cars came within a foot of my bumper. Fortunately, after about 10 cars passed by, a tractor trailer coming real real slow, managed to stop and block traffic so I could rock back and forth and get out of the mud hill. Once I was to a safe spot, I could pull into the break down lane and assess the damage. Once I was in a safe spot, I could actively breathe to try to counter act the adrenaline that caused my major muscles to shake uncontrollably. I prefer my adrenaline rushes to come via roller coaster.

1. I'm fine.
2. It was terrifying.
3. Yes, life does flash before the eyes in an instant.
4. Accidents can happen at any time. Even to the best of drivers.
5. BUCKLE UP! That I am OK is more proof seat belts work.
6. The heart still pounds even now when I type this out.
7. I am lucky.

Survived the first round of layoffs. I suspect there may be more. The top brass are trying to keep the worry for the rest to a minimum but... Been here before. I don't buy it. I see the economy. I've been feeling the pinch of budgets for a while now. I've read the articles where Medicare and Medicaid are cutting their payments. I know what that means. Less money coming in. Hospital workers are no safer from layoffs than any one else. I am scrambling to find ways to capture every billable service that my docs perform. My job is not the only one that depends on it.
And also...Single parent families are more at risk than two income families...so yes, I have concern. Not particularly looking forward to a second round of upheaval...

OK, so I have to say this. I don't like it. What is up with this C! being devalued thing? The numbers are all imaginary right? They don't mean anything right? So how can something that is imaginary have value? Yo, listen up. It's a useful tool for me. It allows me to bring forward older material to newer readers. DUDES. You've cut my tools 2/3rds. What the hey? Not cool. I think it is cool you've given newer users more tools, but taking away tools from older users? Way, not cool. Just wanted to let you know on this one particular change, I disagree. Devalued? Poppycock. I respectfully request a reinstatement of my cookies. Or else give me a new way to bring forward some older pieces to the front page. Please and Thankee.

better. managed to pull a full day of work. did nap 45 minutes on the floor of my office which seemed to help. napped after work for an hour. no messages from the doc so I take that as a good sign. culture must have come back negative.

two half days of work, two half days of sleeping
still the weight of the fight pushes me down
holding a pillow over my head
breathing shouldn't be so difficult
inhale in and exhale out, right?
week three begins
I await culture results

sleepy

and now the fever hits. please, Fever, please burn out the nasties.

I am sick. I don't like being sick. I don't have time to be sick. I don't like feeling worn down and at the mercy of some microscopic virus or bacteria. I have gotten the flu vaccine three years in a row. This is the second time that I have become knock down drag out ill within two weeks of receiving it. This is not to say that I am ill because of the vaccine, this is to say that I understand why some might blame the vaccine for making them ill. It's flu and cold season. Bah.. going back to bed....

he says "hello joy of my morning"
(reason # 63 of why I like this one)

he says "the pencil is erasable-- you?--nevah"

and this makes me want to dance.

the curly hair boy said "You can have plantar fascist, that's ok. and you can have allergies. also OK. BUT you can not have a stroke or a heart attack or anything else like that. That is not OK. You're the Mama."

and afterward he says "I suppose my life style will have to change with yours?" Only if you want to eat, son, only if you want to eat...

3 min politics
because it amuses me

found in msg inbox
"just wanted to let you know you're awesome. that's it."
pretty cool huh? I thought so.
like giving a lemondrop to a toll booth operator

he says "we should be napping and I would laugh at your stubbornness --since I already do"

in answer to my inquiry...

he says bagels- coffee- soft piano music- newspaper- barefeet-
touching on couch or porch- and discussion of day-
movie? walk? shop? nap? what to do? - read me the choices-
I will close my eyes and wince at the choices I think are bad--
go ahead..

I LOVE the idea of this
http://www.gumballpoetry.com/miab/
go ahead, you know you want to...

sage and citrus candles are da bomb.
marzipan = love
cool

Life is too short to waste on
unfulfilling associations. To
be content requires the
resolution of discontent. If
it can't be resolved, let it
go, move forward.

nodes you should read (says me!)

The note I didn't give to the woman in the bookstore
Conrad wants to know what I have been dreaming. This might get complicated.
Secret wish: To be identical to the ocean
Choose your words carefully; now throw them away
***Add Me On***
Why the willow weeps
I remember when it was me who made her skin flush
***work within the limitations of the medium***
This ocean is angry but I might live through it
I would like to sit in a coffee shop with a notebook, two pens, a carton of cigarettes, and you
I am three, she said
***ransom note love letter***
The agony of birds
The Cassandralike experience of aging
The Slow Death of the Japanese Meal
Teach your million tiny babies to parasail
You love these machines. These machines are dead: a love story.
For a boat of white bone, and we three
She doesn't know what he sees, but sometimes it makes his face beautiful
The flowers smiled, but she was gone
Pale sickly white girl, why you no love me?
Doreen
Why there is no moloch13
Standing on a mountaintop in northern Siberia under the rapidly descending bulk of asteroid McAlmont, with a calculating expression and a baseball bat
Prayer to St. Isidore for Forgiveness of Malicious Softlinkers
magic as it comes

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ervaMPt4Ha0

Halspal says If you factor in my shouting 'Wachoo' just now, this is the single most inconvenient nodermeet photo exhibition I have ever attended.

I have a hard time distinguishing yours from mine

you may have x and you may have y, but Baby, z is what gives it depth. Love the z.

Sting, Rob Thomas, Paul Simon
give me anything by these guys
I will listen

Time is always an issue
There is never enough
There is always too much

He says I believe in "happily most of the time as long as you are vigilant and work it".

2/10/07

This song has always brought tears to my eyes. Always. And also, the feeling is intensified when I hear it as an instrumental (as opposed to voice)...and more intense still when I hear it played on a violin...more intense still if I close my eyes.
So yes. I find this song that beautiful.

One of the things I miss most is going to plays and musicals. This is one of the detriments of being a single parent. Food/shelter/heat/clothing take precedence over such luxuries. But it is OK. I can still listen to the music. I can still be moved.

Ok, it's a volatile issue. It is also another one of the several issues that I sit on the fence about. Capital Punishment. To me, it is not as black and white as it is to some. That whole taking a human life thing, I find "wrong", but...when is it "right"? Is it ever "right"?

If someone was aiming a gun at my son's head and was about ready to pull the trigger, would I take that person out? Damn straight I would. I would also remain conflicted for months afterward because I took a life. What if I knew someone had a bomb strapped to them about to blow up hundreds of people, or maybe 50, or 10, or 5? Is there a magic #? If the only way to save the unknowing was to push this man off the cliff so it would explode effecting only that person hundreds of meters below on empty rocks, would I?

If I sat on a jury for a case where a person had raped, tortured, then killed 10 females and the death penalty was put before me for consideration, would I say yeah or nah? What if the females were all under the age of 12, would that make a difference? To me, if there was irrefutable evidence the defendant committed the crimes, the fact children were involved would probably tip the scales and overcome my aversion for it. Why? because I was a child care provider and because I'm a mother. Because if there was the slightest chance that person could escape and do it again, I would want to take that away to protect future children. Does it make sense? Do I place higher value on children than adults? What if this is the wrong person? Would I be snuffing out the life of an innocent man? What if I made a mistake? Should I be the one to hold a life in the palm of my hands with the power to squeeze it out? I ask myself these questions every time there is an execution.

Saddam Hussein was executed. See, there is that capital punishment thing rearing it's head. It's uncomfortable for me to consider. It occurred and I am uncomfortable squirming on my fence post. I can't argue the rightness or wrongness, nor do I wish to. I have no desire to be firmly on one side or the other. I know there are some things that will tip me closer to one side and other things that will pull me in the other direction. I won't really know what I'll do unless it is put in front of me. I am very grateful it has not. I am uncomfortable putting my morals on a platter and having to choose which moral will apply today.

All of this leads me to something less heavy for contemplation. Reading around e2 for other thoughts and opinions on the subject of capital punishment and executions reminded me of a conversation that frequently comes up with the newbies. "Why was I downvoted, nobody tells me?" Odd segue right? I was trying to explain to a noder to try not to pay attention too much to the acks and the downvotes. There are many many reasons and you aren't going to really know. But this node on Capital Punishment will give you light on one reason. We are people with opinions. And if we disagree, regardless of whether it is a decent writeup or not, you'll get the downvote. Controversial issues attract them like magnets. If you are considered a troll, inflaming the general group, it doesn't really matter what you write...you're going to attract the - button.

Look at the writeup by Dman, at the time of this writing it has a rep of 14 (+47, -33). Now look at the writeup by mblase, rep 41 (+47, -6). In my opinion, Dman has a much better writeup. He expresses an opinion, and backs it up. mblase's writeup is more than 50% taken verbatim from a report on human rights. Yet Dman has more downvotes than mblase. I will say that Dman's high use of hardlinks I find a bit distracting. His spelling is a bit off in his haste to give his opinion. So some of those - votes could be about that. Some of those votes could be due to the fact Dman liked to interject his opinion and piss off the general populace of e2. And some of those votes are due to a complete disagreement in the opinion that was voiced.

What I am trying to tell you is that there are lots of reasons for a downvote and it could have nothing to do with how you wrote a piece. It could be that someone is having a bad day and woke up with this black cloud and decided to spread it. It could be someone decided that opinions have no place on e2 and thus automatic downvote. This occurs with poetry, daylogs and fiction as well. There are those that believe there isn't a place for them on e2 and thus the - button is clicked. We all have varying opinions on what the content should be. It's human nature. It's better to not let the (-) to get under your skin. If you have (+0, -10), well, that I would ask someone about if you really want to know why and you've received zero comments. You can ask anyone with a $ or a @ symbol, or you can ask any of those noders on the other user's list above you to give their opinion as to what they think is the reason and then modify it if you so choose. I think a better judge is to look at the total number of votes. This is how many people read your piece and were moved to give an opinion one way or the other.

What do I do with that - button? Well, see, that is one of my moral fences. I think I have used it twice maybe. I don't like it. It makes me uncomfortable. I have to be really pushed hard to use it. I am one of those carrot people that think positive reinforcement is better than negative. It goes against my grain. There are other users here that have the same view as I. That's why I think the total number is a better tool. Generally those writeups that I think aren't that well written won't get anything. no up, no down. sometimes a comment, but not often. I might suggest changes that might cater more to this particular audience at this particular time. I might catch confusing sentences or spelling or...did you really want to say that? I would say that at lease 1/2 of my comments that are not particularly glowing tributes to a bruised ego will get flung back angrily at me, so I don't make too many. I don't come here for stress. Seriously, what is my incentive to comment? You should consider that before you grow upset in your replies. You either want comments or you don't. I am very happy to give it when asked. These days I prefer to be asked.

Don't sweat the downvotes. Don't. Easier said then done. Maybe it's a right of passage. I can say that easy now. Five/Six years ago? I used to tape a piece of paper over the epicenter. That's what it took to get me past the first few months. And then when I learned to move the nodelets, YES!, it got moved out of sight. I became a much happier writer and e2 became to me what it should be. Not a personal affront because someone didn't like what I wrote. There is NO WAY to please every one all of the time. NO WAY. So don't try. It became about the writing and trying new things and experimenting and finally just about the writing. Writing what you feel needs to be said.

---------

Do you know what is good about the uncomfortable? It forces you to consider your limits. My youngest son has an assignment that he has been putting off. (much like I put off uncomfortable things until I can't) He has to put himself into a uncomfortable (yet safe) environment and then write about the experience. He has to be a minority in a situation, so he can see what it feels like. He has two weeks left. I suggested he go to a synagogue, because he was for the most part raised catholic. Or I suggested he go hang out with people of a different race than white. To this he said, that wouldn't be uncomfortable because he does that all the time. His group of friends is a veritable melting pot. Maybe he should go to a retirement community? That's out of his element. I don't know. He's a white teenage video gaming boy. What is out of that element? Suggestions? Ideas? send me a msg. Thankee kindly.

All that noise, and all that sound

pull somehow
everything certainly

the sign on the front proclaimed
Guns, Ammo, Beer, & Wedding Gowns
this is where he found his angel

the quickest way to kill a poem
is to discuss it
dissect it
decipher it
demystify it
disentangle it
or defend it

let it be as it is
an experience peculiar to the reader

perhaps
I could drown in your eyes
the weight of feeling (sighmoan collaboration)
spare the rod and spoil the child
The disinterest of daylight
caught between yes and maybe
*He weaves his words
*Wispy beams of early light
*serene. She sips her tea
One way window
*and yet she lingers
*Ask her if she's got an answer
stealing parts of my heart with your glances
Against my will it is seeping into me, this information
When in doubt, choose wings not shoes
Storm
Circle of light
Come fly with me
Misty Morning
breathe deeply, stretch
Send me downstream
frolicking
Handprints
and in time all this will pass
weeping quietly and without tears
In answer to your inquiry
A Sunny Place For Shady People: Summer Solstice, Santa Barbara Style, A Very Brady E2 Get-Together!
the things he left behind
Your words are delicious and enticing, and I would save them all like love letters
wrapped up tight in my distress. My words are muffled
It's lonely being Only
I hide in the darkness of the cry that comes from her throat
feeling your absence
scar tissue
I saved his life. He does not know it.
such is the way for a survivor of broken promises
kiss the wounds clean with lies
the way we circle into range
an empty vessel makes much noise
A Housewife's Lament
Let me tell you what a splash of cold water feels like
and when you woke up, your goldfish bowl was empty?
I like the (idea) love it's
We Defer
August 23, 2007 (poetry)
August 26, 2007 (poetry)
Things you can tell just by looking at her
I thought I might find you here
We have a fictitious world; that is the first step:
laundry list
to kill a poem

I am a prose writer.

Roses in glass tubes at gas stations
the healing power of touch
*fragments of a world and the spaces in between
the kind of woman who eats ice cream in February
Tiny snow noises and her footsteps
Silence is as full of words as all your books
Stand in the doorway and watch her
The anti-insomnia powers of a four door with a large back seat
nine elevenths
*Your smile was embarrassed. Your fingers were dew-covered. I am still smiling.
soul dancing in the dark
Compasses surrounded by iron filings
and the clock waits so patiently on your song
the point at which your carefully woven story falls to pieces
some people break so easily
wearing his fabrics
the Price they Pay
*She is in the heartbeat all around you, listen
echoes of yesterday
anyone could know just by watching her silent moves
*I like this. It's pretty
You don't know fear
Splinters from a scrabble board
listening to the silence of the day
here's hoping the sun won't rise for a while
You can only make me dizzy if you're spinning me in leaves or snowflakes
riding in cars with boys
*This silence, it hurts me, just so you know
*You are precious to me. Did you know that?
She really does want to clap along, but at the same time she doesn't want to let the bird get out
*It's just a folded piece of paper until you let it fly
*in case I have forgotten
**fine paintbrush, light strokes, special paint
Can you see the tension piling on me in waves? Look into my eyes.
Fate is the Hunter
*Sometimes the apathy she saw made her want to curl up and cry
I still find strands of her hair in bed
*transient liquid beauty
together, yet apart
*aware of his own mortality
Message received
looking for my glow
*light rain at early dawn
*a bellyful of wistfulness
hands up, the whole way
look not into the light
inverse chick magnet
Louisiana, with a touch of elsewhere
mistaking discarded clothes for shed skin
the colors flow through her like a rainbow
*marzipan
*if only I could get into her head
just a babysitter
*forever and an instant
*dangling by a string
wherein the tourguide gets "lucky" and a wallflower blooms
these things matter to her
**very sweet and not at all smooth
sitting on a boy's lap
heart song
Can I watch you read?
It looks very beautiful
The movie in her mind
Speaking with eyes
admired
Value of a Quarter

Thoughts on ending relationships and divorce

ask her if she's got an answer
the disinterest of daylight
Splinters from a scrabble board
one way window
nine elevenths
You say you want to help me
the things he left behind
Compasses surrounded by iron filings
surrounded by strangers with public fingerprints
ring finger
persistence of attachment
wrapped up tight in my distress. My words are muffled
It's lonely being Only
We just disagree
just enough to catch a whiff of dying roses
April 23, 2003
June 13, 2003
scar tissue
October 17, 2003
paranoia
It was a dangerous, stupid infraction and I deserve the ticket
April 19, 2004
in bed feigning slleep
i hide in the darkness of the cry that comes from her throat
feeling your absence
June 30, 2004
December 13, 2004
When the dragon is slain
an empty vessel makes much noise
the weather is moving the wrong way today.
August 13, 2005
December 25, 2005

This is how I see e2, (because I like to soften things up)

In epicenter, clink main, change them to ekw, submit, then in top right corner links will appear, click on ekw preferences, choose the below, submit, then muck about with the colors and submit again.

EKW canned: The lone and level sands stretch far and away but with colors I liked better, making it more like a painted desert instead.

ekw_alinkcolor="red";
ekw_bgcolor="ivory";
ekw_headingfont="Tahoma,Verdana,Helvetica,Arial";
ekw_linkcolor="darkred";
ekw_logoaccenttext="#556B2F";
ekw_logobackground="#999999";
ekw_logoborder="#000000";
ekw_logofont="Tahoma,Verdana,Helvetica,Arial";
ekw_logofontsize="17pt";
ekw_logomaintext="#FFFFCC";
ekw_monofontsize="9pt";
ekw_oddrowcolor="mistyrose";
ekw_textcolor="firebrick";
ekw_textfont="Arial, sans-serif";
ekw_textfontsize="12px";
ekw_vlinkcolor="mediumblue";