People ask me all the time how in the world I could become addicted to Vicodin, since for many people it puts them to sleep or at the very least makes them drowsy. For me at least, it was initially addictive because it stopped the pain that I was suffering. After that, I made a strange connection. One evening after I'd taken a double dose after a long car ride, I sat down at my computer and wrote 40 pages of my novel without pausing, definitely a rarity for me. I realized when I was done that it was because my mind was clear... and I was mysteriously relaxed and at peace.

Vicodin is, of course, a narcotic opiate, and it creates a rush of euphoria (which varies from nil to strong depending on the user), which also gave me a rush of creative energy and focus, and later I discovered that relieving my backpain was just a wonderful bonus. Luckily (?) it didn't upset my stomach, so I could take quite a bit before I'd get dizzy or loopy. I would take two pills to give me the focus and clarity to clean my house. I would take them to get through a long night of waiting tables without getting crabby at people. I took them for hangovers or distressing family events. It was a way for me to be more talkative, more creative, more ambitious and I thought, more fun.

It didn't take long for things to get ugly. My prescriptions ran out way too fast, and my doctor began to ask what was wrong, since my back MUST be getting worse or I wouldn't need all these pills. I told her that it wasn't, but I was still needing medication to get through the day. She switched me to Darvocet, a much weaker (though still narcotic) time-release painkiller. It gives you a small euphoric rush, but nowhere near the Vicodin impact. It wasn't good enough. I stopped writing. I began calling to find out when my doctor was on vacation so the interim doctor could fill my prescription without the interrogation. When I found out friends of mine had been hurt or in surgery, I asked if they had any Vicodin. My friends gave me all of their leftover pills and I hoarded them like they were gold.

Like the above noder suggested, Vicodin can cause hearing loss, sometimes severe. It also causes chronic constipation and in my case, weight gain. When my husband and I started going through fertility treatment I decided it was time to stop. Cold turkey. The withdrawl is similar (I hear) to withdrawl from heroin. Constant, pounding headaches that feel like your head will break in half, waves of nausea, dizziness, and mind numbing exhaustion. An addiction to pain killers is particularly hard to break because the pain that the withdrawl causes is, well, averted by taking pain killers.

It's still very hard for me to deal with because I still WANT to take Vicodin. Even knowing all the destruction it causes my body, I liked what it did to my mind. The pure peace and tranquility I felt. There is no natural way for me to feel that euphoria, no matter what I try. I still HAVE to take Darvocet because my back is still damaged. But now I have to get up every day and look in the mirror, take a deep breath and say "I'm taking ONE pill and that is it." Sometimes I stand there with the bottle in my hand and stare at it.

One time... one time... get that feeling back... write a little bit.

I'll pick it up, put it down, pick it up. It's daily struggle. I consider it a victory when I can look at my Darvocet bottle and count the pills and realize that I have more left than there are days left in the month. My advice to anyone receiving a Vicodin prescription is to ask that it NOT have a refill. Because it DOES work to relieve pain, and works very well, but as soon as you start taking it, if it doesn't make you sick, you're GOING to want more. I guarantee it.