Happy birthday, missing you.
"when in doubt, darling…plant trees."
—grundoon
Christine would have been 60 today. and would still have been cute, gorgeous, smart and funny. She would be proud of her daughter Tessie and her achievements, would be tough and resourceful and full of stories. These qualities are why I fell for her over twenty-five years ago, and why i came to the US to be with her following her cancer diagnosis. Despite what i gave up to be here, I don't have any real regrets, because the greatest gift is to love and be loved, and I had that.
She was, and had been, many things. Firefighter, planter of trees and lover of growing things. Student, teacher, mother, lover, dancer, artist, friend. She'd been working at the farmers' market for so long that she's still missed and talked about; to this day there comes a time on Saturdays when i look over my shoulder and half expect her to come into view to relieve me for a few minutes, and help to break everything down. We may only have been married for seven years, but O boy were they full. seven years wasn't enough, but forty-seven wouldn't have been either. That's just the sort of person she was.
I occasionally check myself, wondering if I'm still banging on about her, over a decade after her death. But she was such a part of my life, and so important, that it's hard to not feel the hole that she left behind. now and again I question whether I'm boring my friends with tales of her and how i miss her. but they listen patiently and appreciate what's going on in me. (I have good friends!)
Occasionally someone will ask if I'm sill grieving; no, the pain of my grief dispersed years ago, I'm largely past that now. There is sill a hollow, and that touches me now and again like a bellyache. But i belch and the hollowness goes away for a while. And having new love helps, massaging and warming my soul.
Christine died on 29th march, 2012. Her last visitor was the Dryad, who sat with her for most of the morning, a testament to the close and valued relationship they shared. She died mid-afternoon, and a light went out in my life and Tessie's. of course in time, the pain lessened, but every year without fail I feel "Christine season", which begins 5h February, the anniversary of our handfasting. It deepens with her birthday and comes to a head on the 29th, continuing until our wedding anniversary on 5th May. it's had, but survivable, thanks o the many friends who patiently listen to the same stories year after year and continue to hold me together.
But i don't want to dwell on loss, i want to remember her life and accomplishments, my memories of our life. the trips we took, hikes remembered, the pleasure i took watching her dancing ballet, dancing with her in The Nutcracker, remembering even grocery shopping trips. I remember her nature too, strong, determined and unfazed by challenges. This is a woman who learned to dance in pointe shoes while she was getting chemotherapy treatments. That's how I remember her; a fighter, not a woman dying of cancer, in pain and ravaged by illness. i still wear her wedding ring, to honour those memories. i occasionally re-read some of her writing here, which pleases me; she's still alive here in that sense, telling her own stories again and again. People sometimes ask me about our story, and i tell them the story of how i came to be with hr after her diagnosis. They think I'm a hero, tell me as much; I just disagree with them, I was in love with her and would have done anything, everything for her; in fact i did and would again.
I've often said that the move to the US would be my last leap of faith. I was wrong. Love can move a person a long way and draw one across the miles. Now i've fallen in love again, but this Dryad is moved many miles away, and once again my love has many miles to travel, and mountains and plains are not easier than an ocean. i miss you too, Dryad, and I'm ready. I'm not broken or damaged, I'm whole and strong and ready. my heart, hands and arms are open and willing.
And finally, many thanks to weroland for the gift of the tiniestSBC i have ever seen. it could become the vehicle for a home NAS server or router, we shall see. i have two of these teeny NanoPi NEO3 machines, little bigger than a matchbox and cute for a computing device. time will tell what happens to them.
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/ Today is Boomtime, the 9th day of \
\ Discord in the YOLD 3191 /
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\ ^__^
\ (oo)\_______
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$ xclip -o | wc -w
773