Writing here
I've failed every "new year's resolution" I've tried. Last year was to memorize 100 digits of pi, and I think I ended up getting to 40. BUT, I am toying around with the idea of starting a "resolution" of sorts, and thinking that maybe I should write one factual a week, starting with biographies. I want to start writing here again, and I think it would do me good to just learn more about things I have some interest in. Maybe it will be reviews, or just really cool things. Doing original research, getting books from the library. My only concern is that once class starts back up I will not have the brainpower or motivation to stick with it.
There are a lot of things that I think could be noded. The Birth of Tragedy is a nodeshell. I read the book, but I just... I don't know. I want to do it justice, and I don't know if I can. That goes for a lot of things I could write about, really any of it. I plan on greatly redoing The Bacchae, I did not do that one justice.
I miss writing here. I am embarrassed by a lot of my previous writeups, I think I've nuked a bunch of them. But I really liked writing here, really liked exchanging messages with you guys. I know some of the people I chatted with a lot are gone now, but still.
My father's "egalitarian infalliblity"
My father recently said to me in passing that women's rights are the product of Christianity, and I found the idea so absurd that I tried to talk to him about it. Western civilization had been strongly Christian for what, 1700 years, by the time women gained basic rights. I explained to him that I do not consider the biblical writers to be at all egalitarian. I think they were just outright sexist, and that doesn't make them correct, it just means they were right about some things and wrong about some things too. He did not like that, he was telling me about how Paul was writing to Christians who believed women were superior to men because they were influenced by the "cult of Diana", and when Paul wrote those things, they actually meant that women were equal. He was adamant, and not at all open to discussion. I have scoured the internet and also searched for books that would confirm this, and have found next to nothing.
I do not believe that biblical infallibility and egalitarianism are compatible. I do not believe in biblical infallibility. There is no ancient evidence for the arguments that defend an egalitarian re/interpretation of scripture. Paul affirms sexism, and in that way I consider Paul to be a product of his time. I still consider myself a Christian, because I believe in the central ideas of Christianity and in the existence of God, but the idea that women's rights are emergent of Christianity is just completely and totally unfounded.
"Women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the law says. If they want to inquire about something, they should ask their own husbands at home; for it is disgraceful for a woman to speak in the church." -- 1 Corinthians 14:34-35:
"A woman a should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet. For Adam was formed first, then Eve. And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner. But women will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety" -- 1 Timothy 2:11-15.
Without the intent to argue, I asked him to email me with any ancient evidence he can find. I told him, "I am not trying to debate or argue, I want you to be correct, please send me any information you can find to support your argument." But I'm afraid, though, that if I manage to convince him that Paul was indeed sexist, he will become a sexist before admitting that the bible is not infallible. The fervor of hardcore Christians seems deeply irrational to me, but I won't tell him or anyone else that. Time will tell, I guess.
More depressing stuff (also, trigger warning, or whatever.)
I post a lot of depressing thoughts to these daylogs because I have nowhere else to turn with these thoughts and I want to get them out. Ideally I would journal, but I can't get myself to keep up the momentum if it's not in the form of a post. I feel bad though, I know the phrase "misery loves company" and I really hate to make someone feel worse about themselves or the world just because I'm so... emotional, I guess.
I remembered something in the shower a few days ago, something awful and terrible and evil that I did as a teenager. I think it has been a memory that I have unconsciously suppressed, because I hadn't thought about it in many years, and now that I remembered it, it seems stuck in my brain, like a feedback loop.
When I was a teenager, I had to be 16 or younger, I made an online friend. We would play Minecraft together for hours and voice chat. She was a couple of years older than me, but we got along really well. At some point she told me I was her closest friend, and she had feelings for me, and she would vent to me about her depression and how much she hated her life. Twice, she disappeared for days (maybe weeks, the memory is hazy because it was legit like a decade ago), and when she came back she would say "I was in the hospital because I attempted suicide." All this venting really stressed me out, I didn't know how to respond. Eventually we had some stupid argument over something I can't remember, but I'm sure that I'm sure didn't even matter at all and was probably something small, and I blocked her for no goddamn reason other than that I was 16 (or younger) and selfish and so completely smoothbrained that I just outright didn't realize the VERY OBVIOUS reality of how that would affect her, losing a close friend. I want to go back in time and just punch myself really hard, how could I do something so stupid?
Anyway, she would change her profile picture every week or so. After I blocked her, her profile picture never changed again. So the conclusion I came to months later is that she probably killed herself because of what I did, because she had attempted suicide in the very recent past, and she said I was her absolute closest friend. And I did NOT remember this AT ALL until a few days ago, I was in the shower and I remembered this and I think I started crying.
But here's the thing. I wonder if all my problems -- bipolar disorder, chronic fatigue, being sick all the time from not sleeping -- I wonder if it's all a punishment. Maybe God is punishing me for what I did. Maybe I deserve every ounce of suffering I've endured from this illness. If so, it was an act of weakness to attempt suicide -- I deserve this punishment, therefore I should live it out. Maybe I should start starving myself again, lose all my weight. If I brought her to suicide, I am worse than a murderer -- betrayal was the sin of Satan and Judas. Maybe every bad thing that's ever happened to me is my fault. Maybe it's justice.
But how can I make it right? What good action could reverse a sin like that? I know the christian "jesus died for your sins" argument probably applies, but even if God were to forgive me if I ask nicely, I refuse to forgive myself. The closest I can come to making it right is to inflict every ounce of suffering on myself as I can. Maybe God wants me to, because it would demonstrate penitence or some shit like that.
I don't know. I don't know if I believe any of what I just said, or none of it, or all of it.
It's funny, because if I heard any of that from anyone else, about being punished for a sin, I would say they're a hyper-religious nutcase overthinking a very naturalistic issue. But when it comes to myself, I can't stop myself from thinking that way.
It's a feedback loop in my head, but I can't seem to find an answer or solution. Just neurosis, I guess would be the right word.
Ellie, if my prayers reach you somehow, I'm sorry. It's my fault, what I did to you was awful. I confess that, I admit that, I don't deserve your forgiveness. I just pray that wherever you are, you aren't suffering, and you are happy.