Due to circumstances beyond our control, Wednesday has been cancelled. All activities scheduled for wednesday will be postponed.
This includes declarations of war, and declarations of affection. For the foreseeable future, you are instructed to continue in a confused, ill-defined state of longing and infatuation, or seething hatred and envy -- or infatuation and hatred all at once, we are certain some of you are experiencing right now.
All major holidays happening this wednesday are to be carried in one's thoughts for the duration, which is just as well, because isn't the anticipation greater than the reality? It is permitted to express grief on thursday, but gnashing of teeth is prohibited. Any joy expressed on Thursday is to be limited to the privacy of one's own home. Those who are homeless will have to make do. As always.
We now return you to our regularly scheduled broadcast.