Today I have gone through more recognizable
emotions than ever before in my life. Usually if someone asks how I'm feeling, I am unable to say anything other than,
"I don't know," or
"Nothing," since that's usually exactly how it is. But today has been a
first.
I woke up feeling fine. What? Yes, I felt fine. Not sleepy, not grumpy, not irritated. Not apathetic. I looked forward to starting the day. But then I remembered my French class at Hope College starts today. My mood went through the floor, and I felt so incompetant and nervous that it was a wonder I made it out of bed.
Got to school and saw Mary standing in line to get something to eat. Mary is about 5', and she always makes me feel better by being so tiny. I don't like towering over people that much, but everything about her is so small that I can't help but laugh. Not at her, I think. Just at her being small. So I walked on to my locker feeling great.
I continued feeling just fine until seminar. There is a kid in that class with me who used to go over to my neighbor's house all the time when we were little. My brother threw a rock at him one day (must have been at least five years ago), and it hit the kid right on the forehead and caused all sorts of damage. Blood everywhere. Screaming children. Bad times. I felt responsible for my brother's actions, and so I felt bad for knwoing he had hurt this kid who was now sitting not three feet away from me. What was I supposed to do? Apologize! Yes, I apologized to him right there in class for something that had happened what seemed like a lifetime ago, and I hadn't even been the one to do it. Turned out, this kid didn't even remember what happened. That was when I felt stupid.
On to lunch. My friends and I made plans to meet at Becky's house to have something to eat. I got there first, and who do I see pull into the driveway not a minute later? Darci (See The Twisted Hate Quadrangle). Needless to say, I left a minute later. I had to get to French class anyways. But I couldn't leave before I felt the urge to give Darci a hug and apologize for everything I've ever done to her. I almost started crying before I could get to my car. I felt regret, sadness, and most of all loss. What's wrong with me today?
When I got to Hope, I was so nervous my hands were shaking. Got to class fine, I was the second one there. No nightmares about walking in late came true. Our prof is the sweetest lady. She's originally from Paris and speaks extremely fast. But I caught most of it. Nervousness faded into relief. And now I am at home, happy as a cow.