I'm constantly falling to a weight below
normal for my height. It doesn't look nice. Not
sexy. I eat when I'm hungry, but this is admittedly not very often - particularly when I'm reading
a good book.
I've often said to myself, 'Okay. I will now fatten myself up by being as
unhealthy as humanly possible!' Sounds fun, right?
Beer!
Coke!
Oatmeal Creme Pies!
Eggs,
French toast,
sausage.
WHOLE MILK.
Chips,
custard,
cheeseburgers,
Ding Dongs,
frozen burritos. A
smorgasbord of
grossness.
It serves to think this might be
heaven, for the universal method of dealing with depression is to curl up on the couch with a bucket of ice cream.
Junk food is comfort, as it goes, and visions of being 'forced' to eat
brussel sprouts in childhood are case enough to be terrified of vegetables. Who would eat
spinach when presented with a
Klondike bar?
Imagine my amazement when I discovered the difficulty in continuing such a
diet. Depression's relation to junk food, I soon found, is reciprocal: chips might be my closest comfort, but they were more likely to irritate my stomach than render me satisfyingly full. French toast at any hour of the day stuffs my stomach with
syrup and makes me
gag. The more
soda I drink, the crappier my teeth feel. And Ding Dongs are just gross.
I experimented with a junk food diet again this week, apparently having forgotten what havoc it wreaks on my mood. I've been living on
cheese and
Hot Pockets. On the way home from work yesterday I stopped by the
grocery and bought a
six pack of
beer and a bag of
Doritos. I was feeling exhausted and lazy and figured it would feel good to
pig out.
Blech. I repeat: blech.
I tried, really I did, but I spent the whole night wondering why I wanted to sink into the sheets of my bed like a disgusting
blob. Today I drove home from an appointment wanting to douse myself with
Welch's grape juice. You know it's bad when you start craving
canned fruit. I would die for a
mandarin orange, I thought. Just a fucking orange.
When I got home I ate a gigantic bowl of
lima beans.
Fuck it, I thought. They're cheaper than Hot Pockets.