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And why should I here suppress the delight I received from this amiable
creature, in remarking each artless look, each motion of pure undissembled
nature, betrayed by his wanton eyes; or shewing, transparently, the glow
and suffusion of blood through his fresh, clear skin, whilst even his sturdy
rustic pressures wanted not their peculiar charm? Oh! but, say you, this
was a young fellow of too low a rank of life to deserve so great a display.
May be so: but was my condition, strictly consider'd one jot more exalted?
or, had I really been much above him, did not his capacity of giving such
exquisite pleasure sufficiently raise and ennoble him, to me, at least?
Let who would, for me, cherish, respect, and reward the painter's, the
statuary's, the musician's arts, in proportion to delight taken in them:
but at my age, and with my taste for pleasure, a taste strongly constitutional
to me, the talent of pleasing, with which nature has endowed a handsome
person, form'd to me the greatest of all merits; compared to which, the
vulgar prejudices in favour of titles, dignities, honours, and the like,
held a very low rank indeed. Nor perhaps would the beauties of the body
be so much affected to be held cheap, were they, in their nature, to be
bought and delivered. But for me, whose natural philosophy all resided
in the favourite center of sense, and who was rul'd by its powerful instinct
in taking pleasure by its right handle, I could scarce have made a choice
more to my purpose.
Mr. H . . .'s loftier qualifications of birth, fortune and sense laid
me under a sort of subjection and constraint that were far from making
harmony in the concert of love, nor had he, perhaps, thought me worth softening
that superiority to; but, with this lad, I was more on that level which
love delights in.
We may say what we please, but those we can be the easiest and freest
with are ever those we like, not to say love, the best.
With this stripling, all whose art of love was the action of it, I
could, without check of awe or restraint, give a loose to joy, and execute
every scheme of dalliance my fond fancy might put me on, in which he was,
in every sense, a most exquisite companion. And now my great pleasure lay
in humouring all the petulances, all the wanton frolic of a raw novice
just fleshed, and keen on the burning scent of his game, but unbroken to
the sport: and, to carry on the figure, who could better TREAD THE WOOD
than he, or stand fairer for the HEART OF THE HUNT?
He advanc'd then to my bed-side, and whilst he faltered out his message,
I could observe his colour rise, and his eyes lighten with joy, in seeing
me in a situation as favourable to his loosest wishes as if he had bespoke
the play.
I smiled, and put out my hand towards him, which he kneeled down to
(a politeness taught him by love alone, that great master of it) and greedily
kiss'd. After exchanging a few confused questions and answers, I ask'd
him if he would come to bed to me, for the little time I could venture
to detain him. This was just asking a person, dying with hunger, to feast
upon the dish on earth the most to his palate. Accordingly, without further
reflection, his cloaths were off in an instant; when, blushing still more
at his new liberty, he got under the bed-cloaths I held up to receive him,
and was now in bed with a woman for the first time in his life.
Here began the usual tender preliminaries, as delicious, perhaps, as
the crowning act of enjoyment itself; which they often beget an impatience
of, that makes pleasure destructive of itself, by hurrying on the final
period, and closing that scene of bliss, in which the actors are generally
too well pleas'd with their parts not to wish them an eternity of duration.
When we had sufficiently graduated our advances towards the main point,
by toying, kissing, clipping, feeling my breasts, now round and plump,
feeling that part of me I might call a furnace-mouth, from the prodigious
intense heat his fiery touches had rekindled there, my young sportsman,
embolden'd by every freedom he could wish, wantonly takes my hand, and
carries it to that enormous machine of his, that stood with a stiffness!
a hardness! an upward bent of erection! and which, together with its bottom
dependence, the inestimable bulge of lady's jewels, formed a grand show
out of goods indeed! Then its dimensions, mocking either grasp or span,
almost renew'd my terrors.
I could not conceive how, or by what means I could take, or put such
a bulk out of sight. I stroked it gently, on which the mutinous rogue seemed
to swell, and gather a new degree of fierceness and insolence; so that
finding it grew not to be trifled with any longer, I prepar'd for rubbers
in good earnest.
Slipping then a pillow under me, that I might give him the fairest
play, I guided officiously with my hand this furious battering ram, whose
ruby head, presenting nearest the resemblance of a heart, I applied to
its proper mark, which lay as finely elevated as we could wish; my hips
being borne up, and my thighs at their utmost extension, the gleamy warmth
that shot from it made him feel that he was at the mouth of the indraught,
and driving foreright, the powerfully divided lips of that pleasure-thirsty
channel receiv'd him. He hesitated a little; then, settled well in the
passage, he makes his way up the straits of it, with a difficulty nothing
more than pleasing, widening as he went, so as to distend and smooth each
soft furrow: our pleasure increasing deliciously, in proportion as our
points of mutual touch increas'd in that so vital part of me in which I
had now taken him, all indriven, and completely sheathed; and which, crammed
as it was, stretched, splitting ripe, gave it so gratefully strait an accommodation!
so strict a fold! a suction so fierce! that gave and took unutterable delight.
We had now reach'd the closest point of union; but when he backened to
come on the fiercer, as if I had been actuated by a fear of losing him,
in the height of my fury I twisted my legs round his naked loins, the flesh
of which, so firm, so springy to the touch, quiver'd again under the pressure;
and now I had him every way encircled and begirt; and having drawn him
home to me, I kept him fast there, as if I had sought to unite bodies with
him at that point. This bred a pause of action, a pleasure stop, whilst
that delicate glutton, my nethermouth, as full as it could hold, kept palating,
with exquisite relish, the morsel that so deliciously ingorged it. But
nature could not long endure a pleasure that so highly provoked without
satisfying it: pursuing then its darling end, the battery recommenc'd with
redoubled exertion; nor lay I inactive on my side, but encountering him
with all the impetuosity of motion but encountering him with all the impetuosity
of motion I was mistress of. The downy cloth of our meeting mounts was
now of real use to break the violence of the tilt; and soon, too soon indeed!
the highwrought agitation, the sweet urgency of this to-and-fro friction,
raised the titillation on me to its height; so that finding myself on the
point of going, and loath to leave the tender partner of my joys behind
me, I employed all the forwarding motions and arts my experience suggested
to me, to promote his keeping me company to our journey's end. I not only
then tighten'd the pleasure-girth round my restless inmate by a secret
spring of friction and compression that obeys the will in those parts,
but stole my hand softly to that store bag of nature's prime sweets, which
is so pleasingly attach'd to its conduit pipe, from which we receive them;
there feeling, and most gently indeed, squeezing those tender globular
reservoirs; the magic touch took instant effect, quicken'd, and brought
on upon the spur the symptoms of that sweet agony, the melting moment of
dissolution, when pleasure dies by pleasure, and the mysterious engine
of it overcomes the titillation it has rais'd in those parts, by plying
them with the stream of a warm liquid that is itself the highest of all
titillations, and which they thirstily express and draw in like the hotnatured
leach, which to cool itself, tenaciously attracts all the moisture within
its sphere of exsuction. Chiming then to me, with exquisite consent, as
I melted away, his oily balsamic injection, mixing deliciously with the
sluices in flow from me, sheath'd and blunted all the stings of pleasure,
it flung us into an extasy that extended us fainting, breathless, entranced.
Thus we lay, whilst a voluptuous languor possest, and still maintain'd
us motionless and fast locked in one another's arms. Alas! that these delights
should be no longer-lived! for now the point of pleasure, unedged by enjoyment,
and all the brisk sensations flatten'd upon us, resigned us up to the cool
cares of insipid life. Disengaging myself then from his embrace, I made
him sensible of the reasons there were for his present leaving me; on which,
though reluctantly, he put on his cloaths with as little expedition, however,
as he could help, wantonly interrupting himself, between whiles, with kisses,
touches and embraces I could not refuse myself to. Yet he happily return'd
to his master before he was missed; but, at taking leave, I forc'd him
(for he had sentiments enough to refuse it) to receive money enough to
buy a silver watch, that great article of subaltern finery, which he at
length accepted of, as a remembrance he was carefully to preserve of my
affections.
And here, Madam, I ought, perhaps, to make you an apology for this
minute detail of things, that dwelt so strongly upon my memory, after so
deep an impression: but, besides that this intrigue bred one great revolution
in my life, which historical truth requires I should not sink from you,
may I not presume that so exalted a pleasure ought not to be ungratefully
forgotten, or suppress'd by me, because I found it in a character in low
life; where, by the bye, it is oftener met with, purer, and more unsophisticate,
that among the false, ridiculous refinements with which the great suffer
themselves to be so grossly cheated by their pride: the great! than whom
there exist few amongst those they call the vulgar, who are more ignorant
of, or who cultivate less, the art of living than they do; they, I say,
who for ever mistake things the most foreign of the nature of pleasure
itself; whose capital favourite object is enjoyment of beauty, wherever
that rare invaluable gift is found, without distinction of birth, or station.
As love never had, so now revenge had no longer any share in my commerce
with this handsome youth. The sole pleasures of enjoyment were now the
link I held to him by: for though nature had done such great matters for
him in his outward form, and especially in that superb piece of furniture
she had so liberally enrich'd him with; though he was thus qualify'd to
give the senses their richest feast, still there was something more wanting
to create in me, and constitute the passion of love. Yet Will had very
good qualities too; gentle, tractable, and, above all, grateful; close,
and secret, even to a fault: he spoke, at any time, very little, but made
it up emphatically with action; and, to do him justice, he never gave me
the least reason to complain, either of any tendency to encroach upon me
for the liberties I allow'd him, or of his indiscretion in blabbing them.
There is, then, a fatality in love, or have loved him I must; for he was
really a treasure, a bit for the BONNE BOUCHE of a duchess; and, to say
the truth, my liking for him was so extreme, that it was distinguishing
very nicely to deny that I loved him.
My happiness, however, with him did not last long, but found an end
from my own imprudent neglect. After having taken even superfluous precautions
against a discovery, our success in repeated meetings embolden'd me to
omit the barely necessary ones. About a month after our first intercourse,
one fatal morning (the season Mr. H . . . rarely or never visited me in)
I was in my closet, where my toilet stood, in nothing but my shift, a bed
gown and under-petticoat. Will was with me, and both ever too well disposed
to baulk an opportunity. For my part, a warm whim, a wanton toy had just
taken me, and I had challeng'd my man to execute it on the spot, who hesitated
not to comply with my humour: I was set in the arm-chair, my shift and
petticoat up, my thighs wide spread and mounted over the arms of the chair,
presenting the fairest mark to Will's drawn weapon, which he stood in act
to plunge into me; when, having neglected to secure the chamber door, and
that of the closet standing a-jar, Mr. H . . . stole in upon us before
either of us was aware, and saw us precisely in these convicting attitudes.
I gave a great scream, and drop'd my petticoat: the thunder-struck
lad stood trembling and pale, waiting his sentence of death. Mr. H . .
. looked sometimes at one, sometimes at the other, with a mixture of indignation
and scorn; and, without saying a word, turn'd upon his heel and went out.
As confused as I was, I heard him very distinctly turn the key, and
lock the chamber-door upon us, so that there was no escape but through
the dining-room, where he himself was walking about with distempered strides,
stamping in a great chafe, and doubtless debating what he would do with
us.
In the mean time, poor William was frightened out of his senses, and,
as much need as I had of spirits to support myself, I was obliged to employ
them all to keep his a little up. The misfortune I had now brought upon
him, endear'd him the more to me, and I could have joyfully suffered any
punishment he had not shared in. I water'd, plentifully, with my tears,
the face of the frightened youth, who sat, not having strength to stand,
as cold and as lifeless as a statue.
Presently Mr. H . . . comes in to us again, and made us go before him
into the dining-room, trembling and dreading the issue. Mr. H . . . sat
down on a chair whilst we stood like criminals under examination; and beginning
with me, ask'd me, with an even firm tone of voice, neither soft nor severe,
but cruelly indifferent, what I could say for myself, for having abused
him in so unworthy a manner, with his own servant too, and how he had deserv'd
this of me?
Without adding to the guilt of my infidelity that of an audacious defence
of it, in the old style of a common kept Miss, my answer was modest, and
often interrupted by my tears, in substance as follows: that I never had
a single thought of wronging him (which was true), till I had seen him
taking the last liberties with my servant-wench (here he colour'd prodigiously),
and that my resentment at that, which I was over-awed from giving vent
to by complaints, or explanations with him, had driven me to a course that
I did not pretend to justify; but that as to the young man, he was entirely
faultless; for that, in the view of making him the instrument of my revenge,
I had down-right seduced him to what he had done; and therefore hoped,
whatever he determined about me, he would distinguish between the guilty
and the innocent; and that, for the rest, I was entirely at his mercy.
Mr. H . . ., on hearing what I said, hung his head a little; but instantly
recovering himself, he said to me, as near as I can retain, to the following
purpose:
"Madam, I owe shame to myself, and confess you have fairly turn'd
the tables upon me. It is not with one of your cast of breeding and sentiments
that I should enter into a discussion of the very great difference of the
provocations: be it sufficient that I allow you so much reason on your
side, as to have changed my resolutions, in consideration of what you reproach
me with; and I own, too, that your clearing that rascal there, is fair
and honest in you. Renew with you I cannot: the affront is too gross. I
give you a week's warning to go out of these lodgings; whatever I have
given you, remains to you; and as I never intend to see you more, the landlord
will pay you fifty pieces on my account, with which, and every debt paid,
I hope you will own I do not leave you in a worse condition than what I
took you up in, or than you deserve of me. Blame yourself only that it
is no better." Then, without giving me time to reply, he address'd
himself to the young fellow:
"For you, spark, I shall, for your father's sake, take care of
you: the town is no place for such an easy fool as thou art; and to-morrow
you shall set out, under the charge of one of my men, well recommended,
in my name, to your father, not to let you return and be spoil'd here."
At these words he went out, after my vainly attempting to stop him
by throwing myself at his feet. He shook me off, though he seemed greatly
mov'd too, and took Will away with him, who, I dare swear, thought himself
very cheaply off.
I was now once more a-drift, and left upon my own hands, by a gentleman
whom I certainly did not deserve. And all the letters, arts, friends' entreaties
that I employed within the week of grace in my lodging, could never win
on him so much as to see me again. He had irrevocably pornounc'd my doom,
and submission to it was my only part. Soon after he married a lady of
birth and fortune, to whom, I have heard, he prov'd an irreproachable husband.
As for poor Will, he was immediately sent down to the country to his
father, who was an easy farmer, where he was not four months before and
inn-keeper's buxom young widow, with a very good stock, both in money and
trade, fancy'd, and perhaps pre-acquainted with his secret excellencies,
marry'd him: and I am sure there was, at least, one good foundation for
their living happily together.
Though I should have been charm'd to see him before he went, such measures
were taken, by Mr. H . . .'s orders, that it was impossible; otherwise
I should certainly have endeavour'd to detain him in town, and would have
spared neither offers nor expence to have procured myself the satisfaction
of keeping him with me. He had such powerful holds upon my inclinations
as were not easily to be shaken off, or replaced; as to my heart, it was
quite out of the question: glad, however, I was from my soul, that nothing
worse, and as things turn'd out, probably nothing better could have happened
to him.
As to Mr. H . . ., though views of conveniency made me, at first, exert
myself to regain his affection, I was giddy and thoughtless enough to be
much easier reconcil'd to my failure than I ought to have been; but as
I never had lov'd him, and his leaving me gave me a sort of liberty that
I had often long'd for, I was soon comforted; and flattering myself that
the stock of youth and beauty I was going into trade with could hardly
fail of procuring me a maintenance, I saw myself under a necessity of trying
my fortune with them, rather, with pleasure and gaiety, than with the least
idea of despondency.
In the mean time, several of my acquaintances among the sisterhood,
who had soon got wind of my misfortune, flocked to insult me with their
malicious consolations. Most of them had long envied me the affluence and
splendour I had been maintain'd in; and though there was scarce one of
them that did not at least deserve to be in my case, and would probably,
sooner or later, come to it, it was equally easy to remark, even in their
affected pity, their secret pleasure at seeing me thus disgrac'd and discarded,
and their secret grief that it was no worse with me. Unaccountable malice
of the human heart! and which is not confin'd to the class of life they
were of.
But as the time approached for me to come to some resolution how to
dispose of myself, and I was considering round where to shift my quarters
to, Mrs. Cole, a middleaged discreet sort of woman, who had been brought
into my acquaintance by one ot the Misses that visited me, upon learning
my situation, came to offer her cordial advice and service to me; and as
I had always taken to her more than to any of my female acquaintances,
I listened the easier to her proposals. And, as it happened, I could not
have put myself into worse, or into better hands in all London: into worse,
because keeping a house of conveniency, there were no lengths in lewdness
she would not advise me to go, in compliance with her customers; no schemes
of pleasure, or even unbounded debauchery, she did not take even a delight
in promoting: into a better, because nobody having had more experience
of the wicked part of the town than she had, was fitter to advise and guard
one against the worst dangers of our profession; and what was rare to be
met with in those of her's, she contented herself with a moderate living
profit upon her industry and good offices, and had nothing of their greedy
rapacious turn. She was really too a gentlewoman born and bred, but through
a train of accidents reduc'd to this course, which she pursued, partly
through necessity, partly through choice, as never woman delighted more
in encouraging a brisk circulation of trade for the sake of the trade itself,
or better understood all the mysteries and refinements of it, than she
did; so that she was consummately at the top of her profession, and dealt
only with customers of distinction: to answer the demands of whom she kept
a competent number of her daughters in constant recruit (so she call'd
those whom by her means, and through her tuition and instructions, succeeded
very well in the world).
This useful gentlewoman upon whose protection I now threw myself, having
her reasons of state, respecting Mr. H . . ., for not appearing too much
in the thing herself, sent a friend of her's, on the day appointed for
my removal, to conduct me to my new lodgings at a brushmaker's in R***
street, Covent Garden, the very next door to her own house, where she had
no conveniences to lodge me herself: lodgings that, by having been for
several successions tenanted by ladies of pleasure, the landlord of them
was familiarized to their ways; and provided the rent was duly paid, every
thing else was as easy and commodious as one could desire.
The fifty guineas promis'd me by Mr. H . . ., at his parting with me,
having been duly paid me, all my cloaths and moveables chested up, which
were at least of two hundred pound's value, I had them convey'd into a
coach, where I soon followed them, after taking a civil leave of the landlord
and his family, with whom I had never liv'd in a degree of familiarity
enough to regret the removal; but still, the very circumstance of its being
a removal drew tears from me. I left, too, a letter of thanks for Mr. H
. . ., from whom I concluded myself, as I really was, irretrievably separated.
My maid I had discharged the day before, not only because I had her
of Mr. H . . ., but that I suspected her of having some how or other been
the occasion of his discovering me, in revenge, perhaps, for my not having
trusted her with him.
We soon got to my lodgings, which, though not so handsomely furnish'd
nor so showy as those I left, were to the full as convenient, and at half
price, though on the first floor. My trunks were safely landed, and stow'd
in my apartments, where my neighbour, and now gouvernante, Mrs. Cole, was
ready with my landlord to receive me, to whom she took care to set me out
in the most favourable light, that of one from whom there was the clearest
reason to expect the regular payment of his rent: all the cardinal virtues
attributed to me would not have had half the weight of that recommendation
alone.
I was now settled in lodgings of my own, abandon'd to my own conduct,
and turned loose upon the town, to sink or swim, as I could manage with
the current of it; and what were the consequences, together with the number
of adventures which befell me in the exercise of my new profession, will
compose the matter of another letter: for surely it is high time to put
a period to this.
I am,
MADAM
Yours, &c., &c., &c.