I'm beginning to realize that telling the truth generally causes more pain than it's worth.
What I thought was a wonderful gift from the universe, maybe to "apologize" or make up for the almost immeasurable load of shit it's heaped onto my plate turned out to be just another teaser. I didn't think it possible to have the same intellectual, emotional, and sexually charged connection with another person the same way I did with Erica. But someone here in Vegas proved that theory incorrect.
Stupid me though -- of course my ex-wife told her before I had gotten around to it, but regardless, she knows now that something was developing in my heart for her.
It's Erica all over again. At least this time there wasn't ever any hope of a relationship, and I was prepared for that. But the rest is the same -- "I'll still be your friend" followed by a mysterious silence and absence. "I'll help you find the help you need" followed by a remarkable lack of action.
And so, though I briefly felt like there may be someone to help lift me up out of this muck, here I am, alone again. It's worse this time; my friends have all gone. It's been weeks now since any of them have talked to me. One e-mailed me today as part of some big-ass distribution list she maintains, to tell some big circle of acquaintances that Richard Biggs (who played Doctor Steven Franklin on Babylon 5) passed away recently (that sucks, actually -- great actor and seemed like a great guy). Otherwise I haven't heard from any of them. No e-mails, no phone calls.
Everyone gave up on me. So why, then, did they act like they didn't want me to give up back in June when I tried to kill myself? They all said "there's hope, don't give up!" and "I'm glad you didn't succeed," but now, just a couple weeks later, they're all gone.
I asked my ex-wife over and over for help; she's the only one left who will even speak to me. She promises to help, to do things too, but they're empty promises. She says "c'mon, we'll go to the hospital right now" ... at 4:00am when she's due at work in an hour. She says "I'll go pester your friends and find out why no one is talking to you anymore," then doesn't. She says "I'll drive you to the counselling center and I'll even pay for it if they want money to treat you," but it's never happened.
She always offers things she doesn't have to fulfill. So did Erica. In fact, the very last kind thing Erica ever said to me was about three weeks ago, when she said "hey, listen to me, don't give up hope." I didn't hear from her after that until I talked to her a week later online, which led to a phone conversation and then the next day a nasty e-mail. That's the last I've heard from her. She's gone, too. Moving on with her own life. Everyone else is, too.
I'm damaged beyond my ability to repair myself; I cannot move on with my life no matter how I try. But it seems the people I cared about have decided to move on without me; I'm just an inconvenience now that I need help.
So now that the spirit is completely crushed and I'm too ashamed to even get on an IRC channel to talk to my friends and ask for help, how do I ask for help? I'm unemployed and broke, $70,000+ in debt, and have no remaining assets (nothing to sell, etc.). How do I pay for help even if I can actually find some?
Everyone made a big deal out of having to admit needing help before I could actually receive any. It's been months now since I made that admission. It's been months now since I started asking for help. My voice is getting weaker, and it doesn't seem like it's worth even trying to ask, since it feels like no one is listening anymore.